The Art of Courtly Love Updated

by Ross MacDonald
from Esquire.com

In the twelfth century, a chaplain named Andreas produced the first manual on the social system of courting. Among the twenty-one chapters in his The Art of Courtly Love (which include how to love a nun, how to love a prostitute, and how to get over a breakup) are thirty-one handy rules on treating women. Here, an abridged and modern version.

Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.

Update: You're paying.

When made public, love rarely endures.

Update: No blogging.

Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.

Update: See Lyle Lovett's rules.

A man in love is always apprehensive.

Update: How true. Now stop being such a pussy.

Every act of a lover ends in the thought of his beloved.

Update: Except programming the TiVo.

A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.

Update: Avoid the following gifts: home appliances, Guns and Ammo, framed photos of your mother.

That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish.

Update: In the modern world, it also carries a minimum sentence of fifteen years.

A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.

Update: Yeah, right.