emzadii's guide to cats
i was at a store the other day and i saw a cat, and you know me, i can't help but feel warm and fuzzy when i see cats.
and i get to thinking... hmmm maybe i should write about a guide to having cats.
i have had cats all my life. also, i was once sold to the cat spirit. *grins* so i supposed i speak with considerable authority when it comes to the subject of knowing your cats and being a good catperson.
ok, here it is:
first and foremost, and this is very important to note, cats don't really care about you. they just don't. they're very polar opposite of dogs, who seems to stop at nothing in high eagerness trying to pleaseeee you. bunch of kiss-ass, really. but cats? nope. you can shower them all you want with utmost love and affection, they'd just stare at you and lick their paws as if saying, "eyhhhh... whatever la."
female cats are generally polite. male cats - that's a different story. the males have generally less IQ, focusing a bit too much on their balls and midnite serenade when the itchy season comes. some are not too smart, some are just downright idiots, - case in point: mr bodo.
cats don't like sudden movement. so please don't get up too quickly, coz it's startles the crap out of them. they also hate sudden noise. it makes them jumpy.
how high can a cat jump, you may ask? go sneak on them (kittens, especially) when they're totally unaware of you, and surprise them with a loud AHAHH!! and you'd be amazed how up high they spring back in utter shock, every single hair standing straight. funny!
just don't be surprised to see some poop come out, too.
they are very tricky little bastards though, them cats. plenty smart when it comes to stealing your food. very patient too. they can wait a long time, sitting around pretending to groom their tails, inching closer bit by bit, just watching for you to lapse, looking for the perfect opportunity to pounce, and then bam! all the sudden that fried fish you just cook is gone from the table.
they like to eat grass in the morning. so please, let them. my mom said that it's their way of waking up and brushing teeth. then they throw up, hairballs and grass and all. it's yucky, but hey if you're a cat you'd loove these routine. clears the intestine, i'd imagine.
and cats hate water. hate hate hate water. please, seriously, don't even try to give your cats a bath.
and cats like to scratch. it's a primeval instinct to sharpen their claws. they always have a favorite scratching spot, maybe a nearby tree or something. but if they start to claw your sofa, shoo them away quickly or else they'll come back again and again. how to scold them? loud noise, quick movement. yell at them. flick they ears. knock their skull. pull their whiskers. or throw them a bucket of water. always works.
don't pull on cat's tail. they don't like that. touch only if they let you, but be very gentle. or else they're apt to bite you. cats are protective of their tails, they're peculiar like that.
cats are, of course, very curious. kittens, more so. they'd try to eat, taste, sniff, touch, poke, jump at, and play with EVERYTHING. especially with their tails. gotta chase it like it's running away. sometimes, their shadows too.
kittens are the most adooooorable thing ever, with their big heads and wide eyes and oversized ears and hairs standing all over. cuuute!! and when they walk, it's more like prancing and half-hopping and wobbly legs spread unevenly.
try not to hold a newborn kitten. it's blind and helpless and scared and the only scent it clings to is that of its mommy.
fyi, cats will purr not just because they're happy and contented. they purr when they're sick, too. and they purr when they're horny, which comes with a deep guttural yaahaha-i'm-getting-laid purr.
contrary to popular opinion, not all cats can land on their feet. well, if they're idiots then, no, they can't. kittens, mind you, cannot land on their feet. so you shouldn't try and experiment. coz i did, the poor kitten.
and contrary to popular belief, cats don't meow. well, not generally, of course. they seem to realize that we humans communicate by way of voices and sounds and noises. so they meow to communicate with us humans. a meow may mean, "yo, wtf where's my food, G??" another may mean, "i don't like you right now so i'm just gonna sit and ignore you please talk to the chair."
they communicate by scent, too. there's a gland by the sides of their grinny little mouths that spits out special ecrement whenever they want to claim their property. property, like sofa and corner of walls and doors and, yes, you. it's their way of saying i spit on this so it's mine and you other cats can't have them. so when they rub their heads against the leg of your pants, that's just them marking you as their property. they now own you. not the other way around.
tip: to befriend a cat, first approach them very very slowly. call to them softly. and stay as low as possible. head down. crawl, if possible. making yourself small says to them that you're not a threat and you're just trying to be their buddy. then hold out the back of your hand, and let them smell it. remember, no sudden jerky movement. if they start to sniff your hand, it means they're showing tentative interest in you. if they bite on your hand softly, that's okay, coz they're starting to think that you're a toy. if they bite hard, then, well, just spank them silly.
if they start rubbing their mouth and whiskers on your hand, then you get their quasi permission to touch them. but touch gently. and on their cheek only. if they then rub their entire body's scent against you, then you can rub back. now you guys are friends.
of course, speaking of scents, they pee to mark their territory too. just a squirt here and a squirt there every once in a while to remind intrudercats where the boundaries are. sometimes they'd pee on you too, but that's just coz they were startled when you yell at them and pick them up too quickly that they couldn't squeeze it much longer and spray it right up your nose.
here's how you potty-train your cat. if you have a kitten, always watch closely whenever they're up to a toilet break. there are clear signs, like their face go "uh-oh..." and they then scoot real fast to a corner and start clawing the marble floor. that's when you pick them up and put them to where you want them to exact their business. like, outside. or the litter. or the (human) toilet itself (seriously). but always always always the same place. do this a few times and they'll go there everytime.
if you inherit the cats, it's always a good idea to lock them where the litter is and let them be for awhile. i did this with tabitha. i had the litter box in the bathroom and so i lock her up for an hour inside the bathroom, just so that she got herself familiar with the potty situation first.
every cat is unique. you just have to find their soft spot to win their hearts. tabitha, for example, loved it when i run my fingers along her spine, or rub the back of her ears. some other cats like it when you caress their chin. for some, a tingle on the back of their neck spells ecstacy. mr bodo loved to lie on his back, legs all spread out, and let me rub his bloated belly with my feet, and he'd grin wideeee and purr this deep coarse arrrghhhrr arrrrgghhhrr high-ecstacy sound. well, coz he's peculiarly odd like dat.
cats are exquisitely individualistic, yet funny, and charming, and they love you so much in their own deep mysterious ways. i've loved cats all my life, and i hope you will too. or perhaps, go get one. may this be a good guide for you to start understanding those amazing creatures better.
and i get to thinking... hmmm maybe i should write about a guide to having cats.
i have had cats all my life. also, i was once sold to the cat spirit. *grins* so i supposed i speak with considerable authority when it comes to the subject of knowing your cats and being a good catperson.
ok, here it is:
first and foremost, and this is very important to note, cats don't really care about you. they just don't. they're very polar opposite of dogs, who seems to stop at nothing in high eagerness trying to pleaseeee you. bunch of kiss-ass, really. but cats? nope. you can shower them all you want with utmost love and affection, they'd just stare at you and lick their paws as if saying, "eyhhhh... whatever la."
female cats are generally polite. male cats - that's a different story. the males have generally less IQ, focusing a bit too much on their balls and midnite serenade when the itchy season comes. some are not too smart, some are just downright idiots, - case in point: mr bodo.
cats don't like sudden movement. so please don't get up too quickly, coz it's startles the crap out of them. they also hate sudden noise. it makes them jumpy.
how high can a cat jump, you may ask? go sneak on them (kittens, especially) when they're totally unaware of you, and surprise them with a loud AHAHH!! and you'd be amazed how up high they spring back in utter shock, every single hair standing straight. funny!
just don't be surprised to see some poop come out, too.
they are very tricky little bastards though, them cats. plenty smart when it comes to stealing your food. very patient too. they can wait a long time, sitting around pretending to groom their tails, inching closer bit by bit, just watching for you to lapse, looking for the perfect opportunity to pounce, and then bam! all the sudden that fried fish you just cook is gone from the table.
they like to eat grass in the morning. so please, let them. my mom said that it's their way of waking up and brushing teeth. then they throw up, hairballs and grass and all. it's yucky, but hey if you're a cat you'd loove these routine. clears the intestine, i'd imagine.
and cats hate water. hate hate hate water. please, seriously, don't even try to give your cats a bath.
and cats like to scratch. it's a primeval instinct to sharpen their claws. they always have a favorite scratching spot, maybe a nearby tree or something. but if they start to claw your sofa, shoo them away quickly or else they'll come back again and again. how to scold them? loud noise, quick movement. yell at them. flick they ears. knock their skull. pull their whiskers. or throw them a bucket of water. always works.
don't pull on cat's tail. they don't like that. touch only if they let you, but be very gentle. or else they're apt to bite you. cats are protective of their tails, they're peculiar like that.
cats are, of course, very curious. kittens, more so. they'd try to eat, taste, sniff, touch, poke, jump at, and play with EVERYTHING. especially with their tails. gotta chase it like it's running away. sometimes, their shadows too.
kittens are the most adooooorable thing ever, with their big heads and wide eyes and oversized ears and hairs standing all over. cuuute!! and when they walk, it's more like prancing and half-hopping and wobbly legs spread unevenly.
try not to hold a newborn kitten. it's blind and helpless and scared and the only scent it clings to is that of its mommy.
fyi, cats will purr not just because they're happy and contented. they purr when they're sick, too. and they purr when they're horny, which comes with a deep guttural yaahaha-i'm-getting-laid purr.
contrary to popular opinion, not all cats can land on their feet. well, if they're idiots then, no, they can't. kittens, mind you, cannot land on their feet. so you shouldn't try and experiment. coz i did, the poor kitten.
and contrary to popular belief, cats don't meow. well, not generally, of course. they seem to realize that we humans communicate by way of voices and sounds and noises. so they meow to communicate with us humans. a meow may mean, "yo, wtf where's my food, G??" another may mean, "i don't like you right now so i'm just gonna sit and ignore you please talk to the chair."
they communicate by scent, too. there's a gland by the sides of their grinny little mouths that spits out special ecrement whenever they want to claim their property. property, like sofa and corner of walls and doors and, yes, you. it's their way of saying i spit on this so it's mine and you other cats can't have them. so when they rub their heads against the leg of your pants, that's just them marking you as their property. they now own you. not the other way around.
tip: to befriend a cat, first approach them very very slowly. call to them softly. and stay as low as possible. head down. crawl, if possible. making yourself small says to them that you're not a threat and you're just trying to be their buddy. then hold out the back of your hand, and let them smell it. remember, no sudden jerky movement. if they start to sniff your hand, it means they're showing tentative interest in you. if they bite on your hand softly, that's okay, coz they're starting to think that you're a toy. if they bite hard, then, well, just spank them silly.
if they start rubbing their mouth and whiskers on your hand, then you get their quasi permission to touch them. but touch gently. and on their cheek only. if they then rub their entire body's scent against you, then you can rub back. now you guys are friends.
of course, speaking of scents, they pee to mark their territory too. just a squirt here and a squirt there every once in a while to remind intrudercats where the boundaries are. sometimes they'd pee on you too, but that's just coz they were startled when you yell at them and pick them up too quickly that they couldn't squeeze it much longer and spray it right up your nose.
here's how you potty-train your cat. if you have a kitten, always watch closely whenever they're up to a toilet break. there are clear signs, like their face go "uh-oh..." and they then scoot real fast to a corner and start clawing the marble floor. that's when you pick them up and put them to where you want them to exact their business. like, outside. or the litter. or the (human) toilet itself (seriously). but always always always the same place. do this a few times and they'll go there everytime.
if you inherit the cats, it's always a good idea to lock them where the litter is and let them be for awhile. i did this with tabitha. i had the litter box in the bathroom and so i lock her up for an hour inside the bathroom, just so that she got herself familiar with the potty situation first.
every cat is unique. you just have to find their soft spot to win their hearts. tabitha, for example, loved it when i run my fingers along her spine, or rub the back of her ears. some other cats like it when you caress their chin. for some, a tingle on the back of their neck spells ecstacy. mr bodo loved to lie on his back, legs all spread out, and let me rub his bloated belly with my feet, and he'd grin wideeee and purr this deep coarse arrrghhhrr arrrrgghhhrr high-ecstacy sound. well, coz he's peculiarly odd like dat.
cats are exquisitely individualistic, yet funny, and charming, and they love you so much in their own deep mysterious ways. i've loved cats all my life, and i hope you will too. or perhaps, go get one. may this be a good guide for you to start understanding those amazing creatures better.
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