uncelebratory

this year, no birthday celebration. again.

i suppose, when you get to my age, being old is a burden to yourself. being dislike, especially by your own self, adds to the burden even more.

the last time i celebrated? jeez, a lifetime ago, i can't recall. i do remember one time during my birthday, which was years ago, when i went to my fav local cafe in kalamazoo, ordered my fav latte, sat down and read "a walk to remember."

this was before the movie, when the book just came out.

i remember that the novel was dull. the storyline was interesting, but the novel was dull. i kept plodding it through, though, coz i was looking for my birthday present.

near the end, (you all i presume already know the storyline, right? no spoiler alert needed, right?) when the girl dies and the guy was tortured by her passing away, there were a few lines in the novel that rendered the emotions so vividly that they touched me so, that there was a heavy tug in my heart, a wrenching feeling, a deep unfathomed sadness.

so there it was: my birthday present. that was what i was desperately looking for, - to reach inside my heart; and to know that i'm still iraz, not this syamil character who had to pretend to be brave to go thru a difficult life.

that evening, for a precious few moments, i found myself.

it took my some years to find him again...