on new year, resolution &etc

...is it 2005 already??

*sigh*

i feel as if it was but some brief time ago when i was a child, counting the upcoming years on my outstretched little fingers, wondering with amazement the eternity it'd take for me to see year 2000.

now it's '05 already, and i'm wishing hard that time could go back.

and wishing too that i could whisper to the ears of that child, telling him that his life would be hard and lonely and painful.

(....)


now, to the business of resolutions...

same time last year, my only resolution was to write more. i have nobody who's willing to listen to me nag about my day, and writing's always my way out, of getting me to listen to myself.

and so i wanted to write a blog.

took me six months till i finally worked up the courage to start this blog, worrying about how people will take what i had to say, wincing at the thought of strangers listening to my inner voices, but wanting so desperately to let go of the many demons inside my already frail mind.

i was aware of the downside of writing things people didn't want to hear. i prayed so hard that they would understand.

but, alas, what i feared the most, despite my most fervent hope, finally happened. this blog now has claimed a casualty: - someone who is very very dear to me, someone for whom in my heart i have all the love, has abandoned me. she will not call, nor will she accept calls from me. no more late-night conversations, no more emails, no more eagerly awaiting to hear from her, no more listening to a voice which calmed my days...

and she blames me.

damn it, i can never NEVER ever do anything right.

right now, i don't know about wanting to write anymore. losing her already shattered my courage. life seems so empty, if it isn't already.

this year will be bad, and it will be cruel, i can feel it...