the why of it
called malaysia today.
spoke with my mom, finally. i didn't call her during raya, didn't have phone actually, not that i was eager to get one anyway, and calling my family wasn't my favorite thing in the world. so after very very long weeks of phonecall absence, my mother nearly jumped into the phone when she heard my voice.
she was working the computer, doing some school work on excel. wow, i was impressed, considering that when we got a computer only some recent years back (we're THAT much of a backward people) and my mother's fingers were shaking when holding the pointer mouse, everytime when i tried to show her how to operate the computer.
then, the question i dreaded most came out: when am i coming back...
i think i managed to duck and cover. but the rest of the conversation went well, i suppose.
after calling mom, i called azlin.
i haven't heard from her in ages, our email correspondences were sporadic at best. i don't know what got into me to give her a call, i guess i wanted to surprised a fond old friend, see what she's up to these days, catch up on her life, and old news of other acquaintances.
her life's good, i was glad to hear. her daughter's growing up fast and fondly.
azlin asked me the question too, and the why of it, and i answered the most honest answer i ever gave anyone:
i'm not coming home, because tengah merajuk melampau-lampau.
she mused quietly that it's odd, and i concurred.
i don't think anybody knows how scarred my heart is. how, everytime i think of malaysia, i winced of long-remembered pain. how i am always treated like crap. how the girls always breaks my heart, how they always look the other way like i'm a nobody, they're always yelling and demeaning and demanding.
and how i am tired of the family squabbling, the perpetual hating each other, the one reason after another to start the next round of badmouthing and bickering. how i don't want to be in the middle of it all.
i am not happy here. but i'd rather be miserable here than being miserable in malaysia, amongst the people who'd stab my back the easiest, who'd shatter my heart like it's nothing, who'd high-mindedly demand that i'd always be the strong one and the sane one to fix every little problem everybody else have, as if i don't have worries of my own.
i just want, for god's sake, to be left alone. if everybody can't see that syamil needs to be loved to, then just leave him be.
this is my way of begging for mercy.
spoke with my mom, finally. i didn't call her during raya, didn't have phone actually, not that i was eager to get one anyway, and calling my family wasn't my favorite thing in the world. so after very very long weeks of phonecall absence, my mother nearly jumped into the phone when she heard my voice.
she was working the computer, doing some school work on excel. wow, i was impressed, considering that when we got a computer only some recent years back (we're THAT much of a backward people) and my mother's fingers were shaking when holding the pointer mouse, everytime when i tried to show her how to operate the computer.
then, the question i dreaded most came out: when am i coming back...
i think i managed to duck and cover. but the rest of the conversation went well, i suppose.
after calling mom, i called azlin.
i haven't heard from her in ages, our email correspondences were sporadic at best. i don't know what got into me to give her a call, i guess i wanted to surprised a fond old friend, see what she's up to these days, catch up on her life, and old news of other acquaintances.
her life's good, i was glad to hear. her daughter's growing up fast and fondly.
azlin asked me the question too, and the why of it, and i answered the most honest answer i ever gave anyone:
i'm not coming home, because tengah merajuk melampau-lampau.
she mused quietly that it's odd, and i concurred.
i don't think anybody knows how scarred my heart is. how, everytime i think of malaysia, i winced of long-remembered pain. how i am always treated like crap. how the girls always breaks my heart, how they always look the other way like i'm a nobody, they're always yelling and demeaning and demanding.
and how i am tired of the family squabbling, the perpetual hating each other, the one reason after another to start the next round of badmouthing and bickering. how i don't want to be in the middle of it all.
i am not happy here. but i'd rather be miserable here than being miserable in malaysia, amongst the people who'd stab my back the easiest, who'd shatter my heart like it's nothing, who'd high-mindedly demand that i'd always be the strong one and the sane one to fix every little problem everybody else have, as if i don't have worries of my own.
i just want, for god's sake, to be left alone. if everybody can't see that syamil needs to be loved to, then just leave him be.
this is my way of begging for mercy.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home