life, as is

i think it will be a while before i can revisit this blog again.

you know what i've learned so far in life?
that being a good guy doesn't help me any. that, of the mistakes i've made in my life, - and i've committed many - they are overwhelmingly because of my unbending faith and trust in people.

a very lethal mistake to begin with.

that i hate myself for being stubbornly honor-bound. that this code of conduct, this content of character which i cling to so steadfastly, now only brings me a world of trouble and hurt.

i'm nearing the point of giving up.

(....)



tomorrow shall commence the most humiliating, most humbling, and most painful days yet of my life.
i am so scared.
i beg i beg i beg for good wishes.

you can't say

JI GEUM CHUH RUM MAN (YOU CAN'T SAY)
by Mina
from All About Eve OST - track 2 (2000 - watch video)

You can say all things must end
You can smile and even pretend
And you can turn and walk away so easily
But you can't say you don't love me any more
You can dream of what might have been
You can cry for what won't pass again
And you can say there is every reason you should leave
But you can't say you don't love me anymore
You can say I'm right you are wrong
You can make your plans to find somebody else
But I can't believe you can carry on
We know what should be said
But you can't find the words instead
You say all things must end
You can smile and even pretend
And you can turn and say you are leaving me for good
But you can't say you don't love me anymore
You can dream of what might have been
You can smile and even pretend
And you can turn and say you are leaving me for good
But you can't say you don't love me
First just say "you don't love me anymore"

*****

*You can't say gwaenchanayo
ijeneun ijeobeoryeoyo
geudaeeui seulpeumi dwiji anhdorok
nae sarangeul jamsi meomchwo dulkkeyo

You can't dream eonjekkajina
geudaero na yeogi isseoyo
amoori nooneseo meoreojindaedo
nae maeumeun meoreojiji anhayo
kkutcheoreom hyanggiroman
chueok sokeseo geudaereul ganjikhaeyo
sideulji anhneun sarangi dwieo
jigeumcheoreomman na gaseumsoke namajwoyo

(Repeat *)
You can't dream dasi hanbeon
nae gyeotte meomulleojwoyo
ddaseuhan geudaeeui gieok sokeseo
geuttaecheoreom useum jieulsoo issdorok



translated @ aheeyah.com
romanized by: itoko_ardee @ kpoplyrics
original song by kenny rogers

find the answers

p/s: thankyou elly for making my day... : )

article: What Scares a Man?

What Scares a Man?
by David Zinczenko for Yahoo! Health

You probably think you know what frightens most men. A long-weekend at the in-laws' place. Antiquing. Running out of beer in the third quarter. But that's just the stuff he'll admit to being afraid of, which, by definition, means they're not his true deep fears. So how can you determine what those are? Easy: They're the ones he'll almost never talk about. But I will.

Let's count down through the Scary Fifteen:

#15 Hair in the drain. The first sign of male pattern baldness brings a man face-to-follicle with a skimpy aspect of his future. And it's always earlier than he expects or wants (which is, like, never). Logically, men know that baldness is as much of a part of life as Leno making Britney jokes. Logically, men know that being bald doesn't mean that they're any less smart, virile, or successful. Logically, men know that women don't care how much hair their men have. Logically, men know there are plenty of bald men who are comfortable in their skin no matter how much of it they're showing. But when it first happens, it feels like stepping on a scale and being 20 pounds heavier or waking up in high school with a quarter-sized nose pimple. It's the inevitable and uncontrollable change in appearance that men try so desperately to protect. Maybe even more importantly, this moment when a man starts losing his hair says a lot about him-whether he's cool enough to handle it, or anxious enough to attempt to deny it with combovers, Rogaine, or faith healers.

#14 Getting caught noticing another woman. A man's instinctual response to visual stimulation very rarely has anything to do with his current relationship or how he feels about it. But his lizard brain reacts instantly, and before he knows he's doing it, he's looking at someone else. We hate having to explain behaviors that even we don't fully understand.

#13 Rejection. Doesn't matter whether it happens after a job interview, or at a bar, or on the basketball court. And remember, there's a difference between losing and being outright rejected. Men can handle losing a game or having a bar conversation disintegrate into nothing. But the proud creatures that men are, they hate having their shots blocked. Mainly, that's because it means that someone else has the upper hand - and is gloating about it.

#12 Super Nanny.

#11 Speedos.

#10 His dad's death. It's his most powerful moment of a reflection, as he thinks about his own mortality. Becoming the family patriarch is heavy stuff. For many men, it's a life-changing moment, because they think about what their fathers did for them and what they failed to do. The next step: Considering what they need to do to be better dads and better men themselves - which means they must confront their own failures, as well. That's a lot for a grief-stricken man to deal with. He should get some latitude to do that in his own way. For him, reaching out may be through what seem like misdirections: more chatter about fishing with friends, an extra set of tickets to the Phillies showdown with the Mets. But guys need a reason to get together; the talk will come during a slow point in the 6th inning, or in the car on the way home.

#9 Her tears. Men know it's natural, that women need to do it, and that it's a signal that they better provide something more than just a tissue - even though many men have no clue what that something might be. Men have been told that women cry for all kinds of reasons: to release some emotions, to get our attention, or just because dammit, The Bachelor rose ceremony is so stinkin' sad. Men want to do the right thing, but because men don't navigate those falling waters very often, they probably do the wrong thing more often than not. Which is another reason why they fear her emotional tsunami.

#8 Being a lousy lover. Of all the things that men want to happen in bed, pleasing their women ranks near the top of the list, according to a national Men, Love, and Sex survey by Harris Interactive. Men hate to think that women may be bored, unimpressed, or unsatisfied. Maybe it's an ego thing (okay, it is an ego thing), but men do very genuinely care about how much pleasure a woman is having in bed. That's why the faking thing drives men so crazy. To men, feigned pleasure is code for: You're so damn terrible at this, but there there, little fella, I'm gonna make you feel good about your inadequate self. Men want to know what women want, and they want to be successful in delivering it.

#7 Not being a god to his kids. There comes a time when men don't care much about what strangers, co-workers, friends, in-laws, or anybody else thinks about them. But when a kid articulates his father's flaws, it's the ultimate heart crumbler. Men know that sometimes they work too much or are too short-fused or simply fall short on the hero-dad meter, but deep down, they know it's the most important job that they're going to do. And if they don't do it right, they know there's a significant chink in their masculine armor.

#6 Living paycheck to paycheck. Even though men aren't the only hunters and providers anymore, they still feel a deep evolutionary pull to provide the backbone and protection for their tribe. When men lose money, can't make enough money, or are scrounging for money, it can be an emotional disaster. It makes them feel like they're losing control in their lives.

#5 Beautiful women. Few things intimidate men more than IRS audits and 12-foot birdie putts. A beautiful woman is one of them. A beautiful woman - whether spotted at work, in bookstores, driving in the next lane, anywhere - simply has the power to turn a man of steel into creamed corn. Men know this. Men try to resist this. Ultimately, it's a challenge. Beauty may be a short-lived form of power, but it is profound, and nearly all men cower before it. It can make them do really, really stupid things.

#4 Getting naked. Ladies shouldn't think that they're alone in fleshy hang-ups. Guys are just as concerned about what women will initially think about their body hair, muscles, guts, toes, and other parts. Men are deeply aware that they can be too fat, too skinny, too hairy, too smelly, and while men are eager to revel in a woman's body, they also share anxiety about revealing their own.

#3 Tofurky.

#2 Not seeing his kids grow up. Death, of course, scares everyone-not so much for the bad stuff that may happen to them, but for missing out on all the good stuff that will happen to their kids. Or, worse yet, not being around to protect them from the bad stuff.

#1 Public humiliation. Here's one that will make even the strongest men cave: Looking weak. Whether a man is extremely secure - or insanely insecure - about himself, he's worries that he'll look incompetent, idiotic, or both. Doesn't matter whether it's a zipper malfunction, an off-color joke he mistakenly slips in during a speech, a dismissive statement by a boss in a department meeting, fumbling the fly ball at a softball game, getting arrested for fighting after his kid's soccer game, whatever. It's one thing to make mistakes. But making the reputation-damaging ones in public is tough to take. That's because as much as men try to protect their homes, their families, their appearance, and their jobs, perhaps the most nerve-wracking job of all is protecting the thing they can't cure with money, with effort or with laser hair removal: their reputations.

poem: rare birds

Rare Birds
by Randy Clyde Uhl from poetry.com (2005 winner)


I followed you
long before Mahomet went to the mountain.
Sucked in by your bee-stung lips
and pre-cocktail days,
I would have loved myself
had you asked me.
There we were,
rare birds,
two young phoenix and not a match in sight.

Now you breathe pills
and I exhale radiation.
Love for us is as rare
as we once were.
Here we are,
two old phoenix,
lumbering up Vesuvius and everywhere we turn
someone's offering a light.

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning
Words & Music By Bob Hilliard, David A. Mann
from the Matador soundtrack

When the sun is high
In the afternoon sky
You can always find something to do
But from dusk till dawn
As the clock ticks on
Something happens to you

In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the girl
And never ever think of counting sheep

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be hers if only she'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss her most of all

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be hers if only she'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss her most of all

9 ways

9 Ways to Make Your Kids Smarter
By Korey Capozza for MSN Health & Fitness
from MSN Health

Is intelligence an inherited gift or can it be nurtured and enhanced by the right environment? The answer appears to be both. While intelligence clearly has a genetic component, scientific research is beginning to show that certain approaches boost learning and mental development in young minds. The following slides summarize proven strategies for building your child's brainpower.

Make music
Listening to your child play the trombone isn't always a pleasurable experience, but music lessons can be a fun way to engage in right-brain learning. According to a study by University of Toronto researchers, organized music lessons appear to benefit children's IQ and academic performance—and the more years the student takes lessons, the greater the effect. The study found that taking music lessons in childhood was a clear predictor of better grades in high school and a higher IQ in adulthood. So help your children release their inner Mozart, sign them up for the school band or private lessons.

Breast feed
Mother's milk is elemental brain food. Research consistently has shown that breast-feeding has multiple benefits for growing infants. It prevents dangerous infections and provides essential nourishment. Danish researchers have discovered that breast-feeding can make babies both healthier and smarter. The study found that infants who breast-fed for nine months grew up to be significantly more intelligent than those who breast-fed for one month or less. The bottom line: If breast-feeding works for you make an early investment in your child's health. Breast-feeding your infant can deliver long-term dividends.

Foster fitness
Studies by University of Illinois researchers have shown a strong relationship between fitness scores and academic achievement among primary school children. Participation in organized sports fosters confidence, teamwork and leadership, according to research by the Oppenheimer Funds. This study also found that 81 percent of women business executives played team sports as girls. So instead of retiring to the TV after dinner, consider throwing a ball around or going for a walk. Even better: Encourage your child to get involved in an organized physical activity or school sport.

Surprise! Play video games
Video games get a bad rap. Yes, many are violent, solitary and mindless, but stick to the ones that develop children's strategic thinking and planning skills and the ones that promote teamwork or creativity. Educational toy companies like Leapfrog are now creating motor- skill and memory enhancing games for small children—even toddlers. A recent study conducted at the University of Rochester found that participants who played video games recognized and learned visual cues much faster than their non-video-game-playing counterparts. British teachers have begun using some video games in the classroom.

Junk the junk food
Cutting out sugar, trans fats and other junk food from your child's diet and replacing them with high-nutrient alternatives can do wonders for early childhood mental and motor development—especially in the first two years of life. For example, kids need iron for healthy brain tissue development, as nerve impulses move more slowly when children are iron-deficient. And studies show that poorly nourished children have trouble fighting infections, which causes them to miss school and fall behind their peers. Pay attention to what your kids are eating, and the grades may follow.

Nurture curiosity
Experts say parents who show curiosity and encourage their children to explore new ideas teach them a valuable lesson: Seeking knowledge is important. Support your kids’ hobbies and interests by asking them questions, teaching them new skills and taking them on educational outings to develop intellectual curiosity.

Read!
This tried-and-true method sometimes gets overlooked in the rush to adopt the latest IQ-boosting technology, but reading is a sure-fire, low-tech way to improve learning and cognitive developing in children of all ages. Read to your children from an early age, sign your child up for a library card and keep the house stocked with books.

Breakfast breeds champions
A strong body of research dating back to the 1970s shows that eating breakfast improves memory, concentration and learning. And children who don't eat breakfast tend to tire easier, be more irritable and react less quickly than those who begin the day with a solid meal. With today's hectic schedules, a full sit-down breakfast isn't always possible. But even an energy bar and a glass of milk can go a long way towards helping your kids stay focused and engaged during school hours.

Play mind games
Chess, crosswords, cryptograms, riddles—they all train the brain to perform mental gymnastics. Games like Sudoku can be fun while promoting strategic thinking, problem-solving and complex decision-making. Keep brainteasers around the house and challenge your children to help you solve the trickier problems.

Korey Capozza is a San Francisco-based writer who contributes regularly to MSN Health & Fitness.

of love and kisses

Is not a kiss the very autograph of love? ~Henry Finck



It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss
(It was only a kiss)

Mr. Brightside ~ The Killers



How did it happen that their lips came together?
How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts,
that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens
behind the stark shapes
of trees on the quivering summit of the hill?
A kiss, and all was said.

~Victor Hugo



Oh! might I kiss those eyes of fire,
A million scarce would quench desire;
Still would I steep my lips in bliss,
And dwell an age on every kiss;
Nor then my soul should sated be,
Still would I kiss and cling to thee:
Nought should my kiss from thine dissever,
Still would we kiss and kiss for ever;
E'en though the numbers did exceed
The yellow harvest's countless seed;
To part would be a vain endeavour:
Could I desist?--ah! never--never.

To Ellen (Imitated from Catullus) ~ George Gordon Byron



I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate the way you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
~ Ten Things I Hate About You



Kisses blown are kisses wasted,
a kiss given is a kiss tasted,
kisses spread germs and germs are hated,
so kiss me baby, I'm vaccinated!
~ author unknown



The shortest word for me is... I.
The sweetest word is.... love.
The only word for me is... you.
~ author unknown


a kiss is just a kiss until you find the one you love, a hug is just a hug until it's from the one you're thinking of, a dream is just a dream until you make it come true, and love is just a word until I heard it from you. ~ author unknown



If you're asking if I need you, the answer is forever
if you're asking if I'll leave you, the answer is never
if you're asking what I value, the answer is you
and if you're asking if I love you, the answer is I do.
~ author unknown



Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? ~ author unknown



Who do you turn to when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry? ~ author unknown



Once when I was young and true,
Someone left me sad-
Broke my brittle heart in two;
And that was very bad.
Love is for unlucky folk.
Love is but a curse.
Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, is worse.

A Very Short Song ~ Dorothy Parker



They laid their hands upon my head,
They stroked my cheek and brow;
And time could heal a hurt, they said,
And time could dim a vow.
And they were pitiful and mild
Who whispered to me then;
"The heart that breaks in April, child;
Will mend in May again."
Oh, many a mended heart they knew;
So old they were, and wise.
And little did they have to do
To come to me with lies!
Who flings me silly talk of May
Shall meet a bitter soul;
For June was nearly spent away
Before my heart was whole.

The False Friends ~ Dorothy Parker



The moment eternal - just that and no more -
When ecstasy's utmost we clutch at the core
While cheeks burn, arms open, eyes shut, and lips meet!
~ Robert Browning



Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

~ Rose Walker



In a Pause Before a Kiss
Poem by: Lennon
http://www.emule.com/2poetry/phorum/index.php

... yet say you want me there or
that you don't want me to write,
bitter are the pencil scrapes in a ramble
of what I got right ... and all that I ever,
ever
got so wrong.

... come as away with a faint okay, a best-place finish
in a life not really living, existing, oh existing in a sad
smile
you cannot ever,
ever
seem to hide.

... still like feared breath in a pause before a kiss,
every step towards but the closeness of another mistake,
ending up in a state of insecurity, some risk
that you and I will forever hate in having
taken -
oh, ever did I do to make you
want to
lie ... please ...
can you not
can you not
(can you not)
even try?



p/s: enjoy your valentine's, everybody...

Dinner Date Etiquette

Valentine's Dinner Date Etiquette
Posted Wed, Jan 31, 2007, 3:16 pm PST
by Donatella Arpaia from Donatella's Dish

While food is an important part of any dinner date, there's still the whole date part to consider. With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, I asked relationship experts - and davidburke & donatella regulars - Kristina Grish and Scott Mebus to offer some advice on dating etiquette. The recently engaged pair compiled a he said/she said list for each gender that will impress a first date or long-time flame.

Ladies:

1. Don't ever order the most expensive thing on the menu. It may seem like the perfect time to see how lobster and steak taste together, but guys don't like to think they're being taken advantage of.

2. Please have a glass of wine or cocktail at dinner (or two, if you're saucy), but try to avoid the Maui Sunrise with the jumbo straw and glass the size of your head. A mildly tipsy woman is fun; a roaring drunk woman is one car ride away from being dropped off on her front lawn.

3. Please order a dessert, either to share or for yourself. Guys care a lot less about your whole calorie regimen than you think we do, plus we also like more time to talk, which a nice leisurely dessert pleasantly provides.

4. Don't mention ex-boyfriends. Not even if he was the lead singer of Pavement. We just don't want to know.

5. Feel free to ask to sample your date's dinner, just let him parcel out the portion. No guy likes to watch his steak disappear before his very eyes while he can do nothing about it.

6. Don't go overboard on your make-up, even if you have a blemish. A small, hardly noticeable spot on your chin is infinitely preferable to the kabuki mask you slather on in your efforts to hide that you are in fact a human being.

7. A great date involves balance in the conversation: don't talk too much or too little about yourself. Going overboard in either direction can paint you as too self-involved or too self-protective.

8. If he dressed nice (and here's hoping he did), let him know. Guys like a little ego boost now and again too.

9. Don't be afraid to laugh like an idiot. Decorum is for lunch with clients, not dinner with the boy you like.

10. Even if you asked him out, give him a chance to pick up the tab (even if you end up treating or splitting). I know we live in a world of equality and all, but some things make a guy feel good and picking up dinner is often one of them.

Men:

1. If you're choosing the restaurant, run it past three platonic girlfriends. You might love the local trattoria for its friendly waiters and free Limoncello, but it's the ladies who remember bad lighting, dingy bathrooms and day-old fruit garnishes.

2. Pick a date up for dinner, even if she lives next door; and if you're having drinks after work, swing by the office. Meeting at the restaurant simply reads as half-hearted. Women appreciate men who put their needs first, if just for the night.

3. For the love of button downs, don't you dare tuck in your shirt! Unless you're dining at the country club or a jacket-required establishment, you'll risk looking like your father en route to the 18th hole (and there's nothing hot about that).

4. Pay your date a very specific compliment that shows you're paying attention. Nice eyes? She's heard it. Cute dimples? Much better.

5. When looking over the menu, ask if she's a sharer. If she loves variety, suggest small dishes to split-or swap plates halfway through the meal if you feel at ease.

6. Save the "Notice me!" soliloquy for Mom and Dad - that is, until your date asks about you. Because she will, if you let her steer the chit-chat. One man's self-involved boast is another's self-aware banter. It just depends who's inquiring.

7. Slide one sensitive topic about yourself into conversation and ask your date's opinion about it. This moment will be more memorable than the pricey dim sum or your canned jokes, since it's laced with trust, sincerity and vulnerability.

8. Keep PDA on the DL. A hand on the leg is too forward for a first date, but snuggling close in the corner banquet, with a kiss on the forehead, is just right.

9. Suggest a decadent dessert, even if she hesitates or says she's full. Every woman wants to secretly sample the chocolate mousse torte, though society prefers she order sherbet. Lift the burden, and try not to stare when she eats more than half.

10. Pay the bill, already. She'll do the faux wallet-reach, but that doesn't mean she actually wants to reach inside. If this one's a keeper, she'll pick-up the nightcap.

Scott Mebus is the author of "Booty Nomad" and "The Big Happy." Most recently, Scott was a producer for MTV and VH1. He lives in NYC with his fiancée, Kristina Grish. www.scottmebus.com

Kristina Grish is a Contributing Editor to Marie Claire, and writes for various magazines including Cosmopolitan and Women's Health. Her fourth book, "The Joy of Text: Dating, Mating and Techno-Relating," is currently on shelves. www.kristinagrish.com

on air

i will keep this developing news under wraps for the time being, so today will be the only day i shall whisper it, albeit a few words:

i recently met somebody, and my heart floats on cloud nine...
:)