dis plan..
credit: icanhascheezburger.com/Thursday, November 29, 2007
Owed to a Spell Chequer
Owed to a Spell Chequer
credit: zianet.com/ebear
I halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks aye ken knot sea
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no
It's vary polished in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
A chequer is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me awl stiles two reed
And aides mi when aye rime
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud
And now bee cause my spelling
is checked with such grate flare
Their are know faults with in my cite
Of nun eye am a wear
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule
The chequer poured o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule
That's why aye brake in two averse
My righting wants too pleas
Sow now ewe sea wye aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas
credit: zianet.com/ebear
I halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks aye ken knot sea
Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no
It's vary polished in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
A chequer is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me awl stiles two reed
And aides mi when aye rime
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud
And now bee cause my spelling
is checked with such grate flare
Their are know faults with in my cite
Of nun eye am a wear
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule
The chequer poured o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule
That's why aye brake in two averse
My righting wants too pleas
Sow now ewe sea wye aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Sesame Street: Old School
By VIRGINIA HEFFERNAN
Published: November 18, 2007
From the NYT
Sunny days! The earliest episodes of “Sesame Street” are available on digital video! Break out some Keebler products, fire up the DVD player and prepare for the exquisite pleasure-pain of top-shelf nostalgia.
Published: November 18, 2007
From the NYT
Sunny days! The earliest episodes of “Sesame Street” are available on digital video! Break out some Keebler products, fire up the DVD player and prepare for the exquisite pleasure-pain of top-shelf nostalgia.
Just don’t bring the children. According to an earnest warning on Volumes 1 and 2, “Sesame Street: Old School” is adults-only: “These early ‘Sesame Street’ episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.”
Say what? At a recent all-ages home screening, a hush fell over the room. “What did they do to us?” asked one Gen-X mother of two, finally. The show rolled, and the sweet trauma came flooding back. What they did to us was hard-core. Man, was that scene rough. The masonry on the dingy brownstone at 123 Sesame Street, where the closeted Ernie and Bert shared a dismal basement apartment, was deteriorating. Cookie Monster was on a fast track to diabetes. Oscar’s depression was untreated. Prozacky Elmo didn’t exist.
Nothing in the children’s entertainment of today, candy-colored animation hopped up on computer tricks, can prepare young or old for this frightening glimpse of simpler times. Back then — as on the very first episode, which aired on PBS Nov. 10, 1969 — a pretty, lonely girl like Sally might find herself befriended by an older male stranger who held her hand and took her home. Granted, Gordon just wanted Sally to meet his wife and have some milk and cookies, but . . . well, he could have wanted anything. As it was, he fed her milk and cookies. The milk looks dangerously whole.
Live-action cows also charge the 1969 screen — cows eating common grass, not grain improved with hormones. Cows are milked by plain old farmers, who use their unsanitary hands and fill one bucket at a time. Elsewhere, two brothers risk concussion while whaling on each other with allergenic feather pillows. Overweight layabouts, lacking touch-screen iPods and headphones, jockey for airtime with their deafening transistor radios. And one of those radios plays a late-’60s news report — something about a “senior American official” and “two billion in credit over the next five years” — that conjures a bleak economic climate, with war debt and stagflation in the offing.
The old “Sesame Street” is not for the faint of heart, and certainly not for softies born since 1998, when the chipper “Elmo’s World” started. Anyone who considers bull markets normal, extracurricular activities sacrosanct and New York a tidy, governable place — well, the original “Sesame Street” might hurt your feelings.
I asked Carol-Lynn Parente, the executive producer of “Sesame Street,” how exactly the first episodes were unsuitable for toddlers in 2007. She told me about Alistair Cookie and the parody “Monsterpiece Theater.” Alistair Cookie, played by Cookie Monster, used to appear with a pipe, which he later gobbled. According to Parente, “That modeled the wrong behavior” — smoking, eating pipes — “so we reshot those scenes without the pipe, and then we dropped the parody altogether.”
Which brought Parente to a feature of “Sesame Street” that had not been reconstructed: the chronically mood-disordered Oscar the Grouch. On the first episode, Oscar seems irredeemably miserable — hypersensitive, sarcastic, misanthropic. (Bert, too, is described as grouchy; none of the characters, in fact, is especially sunshiney except maybe Ernie, who also seems slow.) “We might not be able to create a character like Oscar now,” she said.
Snuffleupagus is visible only to Big Bird; since 1985, all the characters can see him, as Big Bird’s old protestations that he was not hallucinating came to seem a little creepy, not to mention somewhat strained. As for Cookie Monster, he can be seen in the old-school episodes in his former inglorious incarnation: a blue, googly-eyed cookievore with a signature gobble (“om nom nom nom”). Originally designed by Jim Henson for use in commercials for General Foods International and Frito-Lay, Cookie Monster was never a righteous figure. His controversial conversion to a more diverse diet wouldn’t come until 2005, and in the early seasons he comes across a Child’s First Addict.
The biggest surprise of the early episodes is the rural — agrarian, even — sequences. Episode 1 spends a stoned time warp in the company of backlighted cows, while they mill around and chew cud. This pastoral scene rolls to an industrial voiceover explaining dairy farms, and the sleepy chords of Joe Raposo’s aimless masterpiece, “Hey Cow, I See You Now.” Chewing the grass so green/Making the milk/Waiting for milking time/Waiting for giving time/Mmmmm.
Oh, what’s that? Right, the trance of early “Sesame Street” and its country-time sequences. In spite of the show’s devotion to its “target child,” the “4-year-old inner-city black youngster” (as The New York Times explained in 1979), the first episodes join kids cavorting in amber waves of grain — black children, mostly, who must be pressed into service as the face of America’s farms uniquely on “Sesame Street.”
In East Harlem and Bedford-Stuyvesant in 1978, 95 percent of households with kids ages 2 to 5 watched “Sesame Street.” The figure was even higher in Washington. Nationwide, though, the number wasn’t much lower, and was largely determined by the whims of the PBS affiliates: 80 percent in houses with young children. The so-called inner city became anywhere that “Sesame Street” played, because the Children’s Television Workshop declared the inner city not a grim sociological reality but a full-color fantasy — an eccentric scene, framed by a box and far removed from real farmland and city streets alike.
The concept of the “inner city” — or “slums,” as The Times bluntly put it in its first review of “Sesame Street” — was therefore transformed into a kind of Xanadu on the show: a bright, no-clouds, clear-air place where people bopped around with monsters and didn’t worry too much about money, cleanliness or projecting false cheer. The Upper West Side, hardly a burned-out ghetto, was said to be the model.
People on “Sesame Street” had limited possibilities and fixed identities, and (the best part) you weren’t expected to change much. The harshness of existence was a given, and no one was proposing that numbers and letters would lead you “out” of your inner city to Elysian suburbs. Instead, “Sesame Street” suggested that learning might merely make our days more bearable, more interesting, funnier. It encouraged us, above all, to be nice to our neighbors and to cultivate the safer pleasures that take the edge off — taking baths, eating cookies, reading. Don’t tell the kids.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Book Of Records
THE FEMALE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS
Car Parking
The smallest curbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chattered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 People, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers,48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.
Ad's Translation
TRANSLATION FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking...............Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit.........................Junkie
Friendship first..................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle...............................Dull
New Age..........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.........................Sloppy drunk
Poet..................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Curvy................................Fat
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking...............Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit.........................Junkie
Friendship first..................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle...............................Dull
New Age..........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.........................Sloppy drunk
Poet..................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Curvy................................Fat
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
A Man's Translations
A Man's Translations
IT'S A GUY THING
"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned...but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Bonus:
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now.
IT'S A GUY THING
"Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned...but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Bonus:
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Woman's Dictionary (ii)
A WOMAN'S DEFINITIONS OF EVERYDAY WORDS
A Guide For Women ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment)n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
AIRHEAD (er*hed)n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
BAR-BE-QUE (bar*bi*q)n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but HE "made the dinner."
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks)n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
CANTALOUPE (kant*e*lope)n.
Gotta get married in a church.
CLOTHES DRYER (kloze dri*yer)n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da)n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee)n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCISE (ex*er*siz)v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
GROCERY LIST (grow*ser*ee list)n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er)n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor)n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth)n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breathe... push..."
LIPSTICK (lip*stik)n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
PARK (park)v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PATIENCE (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "Tranquilizers."
WATERPROOF MASCARA (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah)n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
VALENTINE'S DAY (val*en*tinez dae)n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
The Woman's Dictionary
The Woman's Dictionary
A Guide For Men
1. Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks. It will lead to one of the arguments mentioned above.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eyebrowed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
"Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".
Extra Tips:
*Yes = No.
* No = Yes.
* Maybe = No.
* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
* We need = I want.
* It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain.
* We need to talk = You're in trouble.
* Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, moron.
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have PMS
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
* Do you like this recipe? = You better get used to it
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
* I'll be ready in a minute = Go find a good game on TV.
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am!!
A Guide For Men
1. Fine
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks. It will lead to one of the arguments mentioned above.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. Nothing
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. Oh
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eyebrowed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
11. Thanks
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
"Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".
Extra Tips:
*Yes = No.
* No = Yes.
* Maybe = No.
* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
* We need = I want.
* It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain.
* We need to talk = You're in trouble.
* Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, moron.
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have PMS
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
* Do you like this recipe? = You better get used to it
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
* I'll be ready in a minute = Go find a good game on TV.
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am!!
Friday, November 09, 2007
Report: Muslim Women
Report: Muslim women face worse struggles
By FRANK JORDANS, Associated Press WriterThu Nov 8, 9:02 AM ET
Women in predominantly Muslim countries are struggling to compete for jobs, win equal pay and hold political office, falling behind the rest of the world in eliminating discrimination, a report said Thursday.
Nordic nations, by contrast, received the best overall grades for gender parity in education, employment, health and politics, according to the review of 128 countries compiled by the World Economic Forum.
The United States received mixed marks.
"The purpose of the rankings is to bring out where a country stands in terms of dividing the resources that are available between women and men," said Saadia Zahidi, one of the report's three co-authors.
Sweden, which has more women than men holding high political office, topped the list, followed by fellow Nordics Norway, Finland and Iceland. New Zealand, Philippines, Germany, Denmark, Ireland, and Spain round out the top 10.
Zahidi said religious and cultural reasons are important in understanding why men have economic, political, education and health advantages over women in much of the world.
Ex-Soviet nations with a Muslim majority, such as Azerbaijan and Kyrgyzstan, were in the middle of the field, but nearly all countries in the Middle East place in the bottom third. Pakistan, Chad and Yemen were at the bottom.
Women living on the Arabian peninsula receive nearly as much education and health benefits as men there, Zahidi said, "but they're held back on political participation and economic empowerment."
The annual study does not take into account a country's overall level of economic development: women in Sri Lanka, South Africa, Cuba and Lesotho all fared better — relatively speaking — than women in industrialized nations such as Japan, Switzerland and the United States, which fell eight places from last year's study to 31st.
The U.S. scored lower because the percentage of female legislators, senior officials and managers fell in 2007, and the pay gap between women and men widened, the report said.
The world's most populous nations — China and India — were hurt in the study by the preference of many parents for boys, which has led to abortions and infanticide being directed primarily against girls.
___
On the Net:
http://www.weforum.org/pdf/gendergap/report2007.pdf
Thursday, November 08, 2007
10 Things the DMV Won't Tell You
Ten Things the DMV Will Not Tell You
by Kirsten Vala, from Yahoo! Finance
Friday, November 2, 2007
1. "It's our pleasure to confuse you." It seems like everyone's got a DMV horror story. For Mike Hume, a sports journalist, it came after a move from Connecticut to Virginia, when he headed to the DMV to transfer his out-of-state license. It took four visits and roughly three hours of standing in line to get it. The problem? Everything from not bringing enough or the right forms of ID to having his records confused with those of another driver of the same name. After an estimated 20 hours of DMV-related work over the course of a week, Hume finally received his license, and just in time: It was the day before his old one expired. "I consider myself a smart guy," Hume says. "But it doesn't matter. Everyone can be a victim at the DMV." (A Virginia DMV spokesperson says, "We have a high standard for meeting customer expectations, and have a large number who are satisfied.")
Making sense of the DMV is an $11.5 million business for DMV.org, an unofficial guide to state rules and peccadilloes. "DMV.org was created to bridge the gap between consumers and the government," says founder Raj Lahoti. Indeed, the site gets five million visitors a month hoping to ace their next DMV visit.
2. "Your used car could be a ticking time bomb on wheels." Remember those pics of flooded car lots after Hurricane Katrina? You could end up buying one of those cars today and never know it. In the past five years, the number of flooded cars sold as "used" has doubled nationwide, according to Carfax spokesperson Larry Gamache.
Once deemed totaled, cars are supposed to be sold for scrap. But unscrupulous sellers can buy them at auction, then replace the title at a Department of Motor Vehicles office in another state by fudging the document, saying it's lost or retitling in a state that doesn't recognize "flooded" as totaled. The practice isn't just deceitful; it's downright dangerous, says Gamache, as Diane Zielinski found out. She bought her teenage son a used Grand Am thinking she'd gotten a great deal -- until the engine exploded as he was driving. "He could very easily have been killed," she says. A Carfax report revealed the car's title had been branded "flooded" after Hurricane Floyd, then reregistered in Pennsylvania. If you're buying a used car, Gamache recommends having a mechanic inspect it first. And screen the car's VIN through the free database at carfax.com/flood1.
3. "When it comes to car theft, we're part of the problem." There's another way criminals take advantage of flimsy DMV car records: "VIN cloning," a kind of vehicle laundering. A stolen car's vehicle-identification number is switched with that of a junked car, and a clean title is obtained from the DMV. To combat this practice, the 1992 Anti-Car Theft Act authorized the creation of a database, known as the National Motor Vehicle Title Information System, which allows state DMVs to verify a car's title, theft and damage history before issuing a new title. But 15 years later only 30 states belong to the network, and those that don't, including California and Illinois, are havens for car thieves and chop shops. "Until all 50 states participate, the system is full of holes," says Rosemary Shahan, of Consumers for Auto Reliability and Safety, a nonprofit consumer-advocacy group.
Car theft costs Americans $7.6 billion a year, according to the National Insurance Crime Bureau. Who benefits? Organized crime, for one. But the stakes are higher than grift money. Perpetrators of the first World Trade Center bombing and the Oklahoma City Federal Building bombing were traced with the help of VINs.
4. "Consistency is the hobgoblin of...well, not us, that's for sure." Rules that differ by state (and city, and county) may be a problem for law-abiding drivers, but for those looking to slip through the cracks, they're a godsend. For example, emission checks are required for registration in 13 states and in parts of another 17 states, but not at all in 20 states. And since every state has different plates, says Ashly Knapp, founder of Auto Advisors, a consultancy for car buyers, police can't tell if an out-of-state license is expired until they can see it up close. Some drivers register a car in a state with lower taxes, then drive it in their own state with expired plates. "I'm impressed how many people tell me they get away with it," Knapp says.
Worse are loopholes for drunk drivers. Repeat offenders get listed in the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration's National Driver Register, but records for those with one DUI are often confined to one state -- meaning you might get a clean driving record simply by hopping states, says Jason King, of the American Association of Motor Vehicle Administrators. The proposed Real ID Act could fix these problems, King says, by forcing states to share driving records in a national database.
5. "You think getting your license is a hassle -- try filing a complaint." Every institution has problems, but the DMV is notorious for its surly service. Newlywed Laura Zhu tried to get a license with her maiden name as her second middle name. When she explained this to the DMV worker at a New York City office, Zhu says the woman yelled at her, "You have to hyphenate if you want two last names!" After speaking with a supervisor and finding out that it is indeed state policy to hyphenate, Zhu says she was sent back to the same window. That's when things got ugly. "Little Miss Doesn't-Want-to-Hyphenate wants a license now," the clerk announced loudly, then proceeded to sing a little tune as she worked: "Anderson hyphen Zhu! Anderson hyphen Zhu!"
The online complaint form Zhu filed about the incident promised a five-day response -- but at press time, Zhu says she's been waiting well over a month. New York State DMV spokesperson Ken Brown insists online complaints usually receive a prompt response and says Zhu's letter must have encountered technical problems. Other ways of filing a complaint include talking with the supervisor or sending a letter to the office manager.
6. "We're just as good at breaking the law as enforcing it..." DMV employees must deal with the public and handle sensitive information, but unsavory characters can slip through anyway. Consider North Carolina license examiner George Sidbury, convicted in 2004 for assaulting a 16-year-old girl taking her road test, or California DMV instructor Calvin Hoang Cat, who in 2005 pleaded no contest to 29 charges of fondling or talking lewdly to teenage girls and women. But more common are the opportunists, looking to use their position to make a quick buck. New Jersey, New York, Virginia, Connecticut and California have all uncovered DMV scams in the past 10 years, in which employees granted driver's licenses to illegal immigrants for a hefty profit. FBI indictments in a 2006 Oakland, Calif., case identified 10 people in a black market conspiracy to sell driver's licenses -- five of them DMV employees.
"There's a high demand for valid ID obtained through fraudulent means," says Jason King, of the AAMVA. Fraud is a problem on both sides of the DMV counter, he says, and the fact that so many employees are being caught shows how committed the DMV is to addressing the problem.
7. "...and we all but enable identity theft." Identity theft is the No. 1 crime in the U.S., according to Werner Raes, president of the International Association of Financial Crimes Investigators. The simplest form, mostly used by beginners, is to ask the DMV for a duplicate license in someone else's name. Identity thieves simply tell the DMV clerk that they've lost their license or that it was stolen, then provide someone else's illegally obtained information. It's a simple con to pull off. As for the victims, there's nothing simple about it -- their credit will be ruined as checks start bouncing and new credit card accounts are opened in their name.
Some state DMVs are beginning to take precautions against identity theft, such as checking a database of past photographs before renewing or mailing the completed license to the address provided. Nevertheless, Raes recommends checking your credit report at least once a year to see if there's any unusual activity.
8. "Just because you can't see doesn't mean you can't drive." Everybody thinks they're a good driver, but a 2007 study by market-research firm TNS showed that one in six drivers would fail a state test if they took it today. Indeed, most people get their driver's license in their teens and are never retested. One big problem over time is vision, which tends to degenerate, says Richard Bensinger, a Seattle ophthalmologist and American Academy of Ophthalmology spokesperson. Physical impairments, along with macular degeneration, glaucoma and cataracts can make older drivers less safe behind the wheel, and it's projected that by the year 2025 drivers over age 65 will make up 25% of the driving population, up from 14% in 2001, according to nonprofit research outfit the RAND Corporation.
When renewing your license, vision-test requirements, like everything else, vary by state. And while the trend is moving toward age-related regulations, according to a 2007 Insurance Institute for Highway Safety report, 24 states still do not require older drivers to renew more often or have their vision tested when renewing.
Bensinger says that he will sometimes make recommendations about license restrictions for his patients, suggesting a person shouldn't be allowed to drive at night or on high-speed roads. But ultimately, it's the DMV's decision. Family members (along with physicians and police officers) can likewise recommend that the DMV check up on someone they think is a danger on the road -- though it varies by state whether such tips can be made confidentially or not.
9. "Your vanity plate says 'MUG ME.'" Personalized license plates might seem like a harmless accessory, but they could make you a more likely target for criminals. Why? Because they communicate much more than the written message. "Personalized plates indicate that the person bearing them wants to be noticed," says Phil Messina, a retired New York City police officer and founder of a self-defense school in Lindenhurst, N.Y. "The downside of doing things that tend to 'get you noticed' is that they can get you noticed by the wrong kind of people."
Consumer advocate Tim Duffy agrees, pointing out that plates indicating the driver is a woman or a senior citizen or both -- as in "Katie's Grandma" -- are especially problematic. Spotting one of these plates in a parking lot, a mugger may hide behind or near the car, waiting for the driver to return. "You don't want to be a victim of a crime," Duffy says, "and you don't want to make it easier for someone to commit a crime."
10. "Fake ID? We fall for it all the time." A driver's license is often considered the default form of identification in the U.S., used to board airplanes, rent cars and open bank accounts. Yet it's not hard at all to obtain one illegally by taking advantage of the weakest link in the U.S. identification system: the birth certificate. "I can show 60 to 70 ways to get a birth certificate, either fake or real," says Werner Raes, of the International Association of Financial Crimes Investigators. And as a result, "you can go in and get driver's licenses all day long in this country, in any name you want."
Since the Department of Motor Vehicles also issues alternative nondriver's license ID cards -- a real state-revenue booster -- the DMV is, in effect, being used as the leading identification verifier in a country where national security is increasingly important and terrorism is an ever-looming threat. Yet it's not their main responsibility. "Their task is to certify that people can operate a motor vehicle," says Raes.
The best solution? Raes would argue that it's national identification cards. But many groups are opposed to the idea, saying the lack of privacy would overshadow the safety and security benefits. Not to mention create another civil service bureaucracy for the public to navigate.
by Kirsten Vala, from Yahoo! Finance
Friday, November 2, 2007
1. "It's our pleasure to confuse you." It seems like everyone's got a DMV horror story. For Mike Hume, a sports journalist, it came after a move from Connecticut to Virginia, when he headed to the DMV to transfer his out-of-state license. It took four visits and roughly three hours of standing in line to get it. The problem? Everything from not bringing enough or the right forms of ID to having his records confused with those of another driver of the same name. After an estimated 20 hours of DMV-related work over the course of a week, Hume finally received his license, and just in time: It was the day before his old one expired. "I consider myself a smart guy," Hume says. "But it doesn't matter. Everyone can be a victim at the DMV." (A Virginia DMV spokesperson says, "We have a high standard for meeting customer expectations, and have a large number who are satisfied.")
Making sense of the DMV is an $11.5 million business for DMV.org, an unofficial guide to state rules and peccadilloes. "DMV.org was created to bridge the gap between consumers and the government," says founder Raj Lahoti. Indeed, the site gets five million visitors a month hoping to ace their next DMV visit.
2. "Your used car could be a ticking time bomb on wheels." Remember those pics of flooded car lots after Hurricane Katrina? You could end up buying one of those cars today and never know it. In the past five years, the number of flooded cars sold as "used" has doubled nationwide, according to Carfax spokesperson Larry Gamache.
Once deemed totaled, cars are supposed to be sold for scrap. But unscrupulous sellers can buy them at auction, then replace the title at a Department of Motor Vehicles office in another state by fudging the document, saying it's lost or retitling in a state that doesn't recognize "flooded" as totaled. The practice isn't just deceitful; it's downright dangerous, says Gamache, as Diane Zielinski found out. She bought her teenage son a used Grand Am thinking she'd gotten a great deal -- until the engine exploded as he was driving. "He could very easily have been killed," she says. A Carfax report revealed the car's title had been branded "flooded" after Hurricane Floyd, then reregistered in Pennsylvania. If you're buying a used car, Gamache recommends having a mechanic inspect it first. And screen the car's VIN through the free database at carfax.com/flood1.
3. "When it comes to car theft, we're part of the problem." There's another way criminals take advantage of flimsy DMV car records: "VIN cloning," a kind of vehicle laundering. A stolen car's vehicle-identification number is switched with that of a junked car, and a clean title is obtained from the DMV. To combat this practice, the 1992 Anti-Car Theft Act authorized the creation of a database, known as the National Motor Vehicle Title Information System, which allows state DMVs to verify a car's title, theft and damage history before issuing a new title. But 15 years later only 30 states belong to the network, and those that don't, including California and Illinois, are havens for car thieves and chop shops. "Until all 50 states participate, the system is full of holes," says Rosemary Shahan, of Consumers for Auto Reliability and Safety, a nonprofit consumer-advocacy group.
Car theft costs Americans $7.6 billion a year, according to the National Insurance Crime Bureau. Who benefits? Organized crime, for one. But the stakes are higher than grift money. Perpetrators of the first World Trade Center bombing and the Oklahoma City Federal Building bombing were traced with the help of VINs.
4. "Consistency is the hobgoblin of...well, not us, that's for sure." Rules that differ by state (and city, and county) may be a problem for law-abiding drivers, but for those looking to slip through the cracks, they're a godsend. For example, emission checks are required for registration in 13 states and in parts of another 17 states, but not at all in 20 states. And since every state has different plates, says Ashly Knapp, founder of Auto Advisors, a consultancy for car buyers, police can't tell if an out-of-state license is expired until they can see it up close. Some drivers register a car in a state with lower taxes, then drive it in their own state with expired plates. "I'm impressed how many people tell me they get away with it," Knapp says.
Worse are loopholes for drunk drivers. Repeat offenders get listed in the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration's National Driver Register, but records for those with one DUI are often confined to one state -- meaning you might get a clean driving record simply by hopping states, says Jason King, of the American Association of Motor Vehicle Administrators. The proposed Real ID Act could fix these problems, King says, by forcing states to share driving records in a national database.
5. "You think getting your license is a hassle -- try filing a complaint." Every institution has problems, but the DMV is notorious for its surly service. Newlywed Laura Zhu tried to get a license with her maiden name as her second middle name. When she explained this to the DMV worker at a New York City office, Zhu says the woman yelled at her, "You have to hyphenate if you want two last names!" After speaking with a supervisor and finding out that it is indeed state policy to hyphenate, Zhu says she was sent back to the same window. That's when things got ugly. "Little Miss Doesn't-Want-to-Hyphenate wants a license now," the clerk announced loudly, then proceeded to sing a little tune as she worked: "Anderson hyphen Zhu! Anderson hyphen Zhu!"
The online complaint form Zhu filed about the incident promised a five-day response -- but at press time, Zhu says she's been waiting well over a month. New York State DMV spokesperson Ken Brown insists online complaints usually receive a prompt response and says Zhu's letter must have encountered technical problems. Other ways of filing a complaint include talking with the supervisor or sending a letter to the office manager.
6. "We're just as good at breaking the law as enforcing it..." DMV employees must deal with the public and handle sensitive information, but unsavory characters can slip through anyway. Consider North Carolina license examiner George Sidbury, convicted in 2004 for assaulting a 16-year-old girl taking her road test, or California DMV instructor Calvin Hoang Cat, who in 2005 pleaded no contest to 29 charges of fondling or talking lewdly to teenage girls and women. But more common are the opportunists, looking to use their position to make a quick buck. New Jersey, New York, Virginia, Connecticut and California have all uncovered DMV scams in the past 10 years, in which employees granted driver's licenses to illegal immigrants for a hefty profit. FBI indictments in a 2006 Oakland, Calif., case identified 10 people in a black market conspiracy to sell driver's licenses -- five of them DMV employees.
"There's a high demand for valid ID obtained through fraudulent means," says Jason King, of the AAMVA. Fraud is a problem on both sides of the DMV counter, he says, and the fact that so many employees are being caught shows how committed the DMV is to addressing the problem.
7. "...and we all but enable identity theft." Identity theft is the No. 1 crime in the U.S., according to Werner Raes, president of the International Association of Financial Crimes Investigators. The simplest form, mostly used by beginners, is to ask the DMV for a duplicate license in someone else's name. Identity thieves simply tell the DMV clerk that they've lost their license or that it was stolen, then provide someone else's illegally obtained information. It's a simple con to pull off. As for the victims, there's nothing simple about it -- their credit will be ruined as checks start bouncing and new credit card accounts are opened in their name.
Some state DMVs are beginning to take precautions against identity theft, such as checking a database of past photographs before renewing or mailing the completed license to the address provided. Nevertheless, Raes recommends checking your credit report at least once a year to see if there's any unusual activity.
8. "Just because you can't see doesn't mean you can't drive." Everybody thinks they're a good driver, but a 2007 study by market-research firm TNS showed that one in six drivers would fail a state test if they took it today. Indeed, most people get their driver's license in their teens and are never retested. One big problem over time is vision, which tends to degenerate, says Richard Bensinger, a Seattle ophthalmologist and American Academy of Ophthalmology spokesperson. Physical impairments, along with macular degeneration, glaucoma and cataracts can make older drivers less safe behind the wheel, and it's projected that by the year 2025 drivers over age 65 will make up 25% of the driving population, up from 14% in 2001, according to nonprofit research outfit the RAND Corporation.
When renewing your license, vision-test requirements, like everything else, vary by state. And while the trend is moving toward age-related regulations, according to a 2007 Insurance Institute for Highway Safety report, 24 states still do not require older drivers to renew more often or have their vision tested when renewing.
Bensinger says that he will sometimes make recommendations about license restrictions for his patients, suggesting a person shouldn't be allowed to drive at night or on high-speed roads. But ultimately, it's the DMV's decision. Family members (along with physicians and police officers) can likewise recommend that the DMV check up on someone they think is a danger on the road -- though it varies by state whether such tips can be made confidentially or not.
9. "Your vanity plate says 'MUG ME.'" Personalized license plates might seem like a harmless accessory, but they could make you a more likely target for criminals. Why? Because they communicate much more than the written message. "Personalized plates indicate that the person bearing them wants to be noticed," says Phil Messina, a retired New York City police officer and founder of a self-defense school in Lindenhurst, N.Y. "The downside of doing things that tend to 'get you noticed' is that they can get you noticed by the wrong kind of people."
Consumer advocate Tim Duffy agrees, pointing out that plates indicating the driver is a woman or a senior citizen or both -- as in "Katie's Grandma" -- are especially problematic. Spotting one of these plates in a parking lot, a mugger may hide behind or near the car, waiting for the driver to return. "You don't want to be a victim of a crime," Duffy says, "and you don't want to make it easier for someone to commit a crime."
10. "Fake ID? We fall for it all the time." A driver's license is often considered the default form of identification in the U.S., used to board airplanes, rent cars and open bank accounts. Yet it's not hard at all to obtain one illegally by taking advantage of the weakest link in the U.S. identification system: the birth certificate. "I can show 60 to 70 ways to get a birth certificate, either fake or real," says Werner Raes, of the International Association of Financial Crimes Investigators. And as a result, "you can go in and get driver's licenses all day long in this country, in any name you want."
Since the Department of Motor Vehicles also issues alternative nondriver's license ID cards -- a real state-revenue booster -- the DMV is, in effect, being used as the leading identification verifier in a country where national security is increasingly important and terrorism is an ever-looming threat. Yet it's not their main responsibility. "Their task is to certify that people can operate a motor vehicle," says Raes.
The best solution? Raes would argue that it's national identification cards. But many groups are opposed to the idea, saying the lack of privacy would overshadow the safety and security benefits. Not to mention create another civil service bureaucracy for the public to navigate.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Halloween part 2: Count Burgundy & His Rum
(continued...)
While the party was going on, my housemate (whom i went with) and some other people decided to go to the nearby bar to shoot some pool and, well, drink summore. so i joined. (the pool, not the drinking.)
sidenote: my ms pujaan hati called me during the party. seeing how the party was lacking excitement for a non-drunkard such as moi, i stepped out from the party inside ignoring the pretty drunk girls inside just so that i could sit and listen to the lovely voice of my missy yang terpuja-puja oii terujaaa terujaaaa.
back to story. so a bunch of us went to the bar. and we played pool. i lost, i won. i was having fun, for a change.
turned out, the bar had a halloween theme going on that night. all the employees were dressed up, and all the bar costumers were too, and we got cowboys and cowgirls and devils and various assortments of ghouls and goblins. very merry.
in the middle of the pool game, the barkeep announced that there's a secret contest for the best-dressed customers. the vote had been tallied, the five chosen winners will win cool prizes, and the winners are:
the tigress! meeeooooow. clapclapclap.
the devil! woohoo! clapclapclap.
...and first prize goes to...
the burgundy guy! clapclapclap. i was, like, hahaha 'burgundy guy' who's that idiot! laugh, laugh.
until i realized that everybody was looking at me. whoopsee daisee! i sauntered forward half-embarrassed, and then was astonished when i was handed a big BIG bottle of rum. all my friends were amused too, knowing that i don't drink, and my housemate - who didn't win any - kept smacking his lips knowing he gets to finish all of my rum.
a little later, one of the bargirl came to me and asked, "so what EXACTLY are you...? we can't figure out what you are so we just called you the burgundy man..."
and not without a note of exasperation, i said, "i am a Count!"
and she said,"owwhhh... shoot, well whatever it is, it's very well done!"
so that's my Halloween this year. i got hit on by one ms Slut, and i brought home me own stash o' rum.
woohoo!
While the party was going on, my housemate (whom i went with) and some other people decided to go to the nearby bar to shoot some pool and, well, drink summore. so i joined. (the pool, not the drinking.)
sidenote: my ms pujaan hati called me during the party. seeing how the party was lacking excitement for a non-drunkard such as moi, i stepped out from the party inside ignoring the pretty drunk girls inside just so that i could sit and listen to the lovely voice of my missy yang terpuja-puja oii terujaaa terujaaaa.
back to story. so a bunch of us went to the bar. and we played pool. i lost, i won. i was having fun, for a change.
turned out, the bar had a halloween theme going on that night. all the employees were dressed up, and all the bar costumers were too, and we got cowboys and cowgirls and devils and various assortments of ghouls and goblins. very merry.
in the middle of the pool game, the barkeep announced that there's a secret contest for the best-dressed customers. the vote had been tallied, the five chosen winners will win cool prizes, and the winners are:
the tigress! meeeooooow. clapclapclap.
the devil! woohoo! clapclapclap.
...and first prize goes to...
the burgundy guy! clapclapclap. i was, like, hahaha 'burgundy guy' who's that idiot! laugh, laugh.
until i realized that everybody was looking at me. whoopsee daisee! i sauntered forward half-embarrassed, and then was astonished when i was handed a big BIG bottle of rum. all my friends were amused too, knowing that i don't drink, and my housemate - who didn't win any - kept smacking his lips knowing he gets to finish all of my rum.
a little later, one of the bargirl came to me and asked, "so what EXACTLY are you...? we can't figure out what you are so we just called you the burgundy man..."
and not without a note of exasperation, i said, "i am a Count!"
and she said,"owwhhh... shoot, well whatever it is, it's very well done!"
so that's my Halloween this year. i got hit on by one ms Slut, and i brought home me own stash o' rum.
woohoo!
Halloween part 1: The Count & His Slut
last Halloween weekend i went to a party. wasn't planning to, pretty much got invited to it the day of, and since i had no plans that night, i thought i'd give it a go.
i didn't bother to get a new costume this year, so i dressed up as what i dressed up as last Halloween: a vampire Count, complete with long sweeeping black cape, flowery burgundy vest, a huge white lapel pin embossed with a skeleton on it and also a black chainy-thingy neckpiece adorned with a shiny blue crystalrock and big black spiders at each side. and, spikey hairdo, and dark sunglasses. woo-hoo!
and so, let's see... there was a Superman there, a Smurf, a Nymph, a Slut (i think), an Edward Scissorhands, etc etc. when i got there, people looked at me and said, "ok so what are you...?" "guess," i said, trying my best to showcase my costume.
"you are... NEO! from the MATRIX!!" said one guy.
"what, nooo!"
"oh oh oh!" said another. "you are that chinese dude.. Seraph! from the MATRIX!!"
wtf, shut up with the matrix already, goddamn. after a few stupid guesses, which also included 'a butler' *sighhh* i finally said, "i'm a Count, see?"
and they would say, "ahhh...oh ok..." one person actually said, "doood, you're, like, the worst Count ever." oh yeah?, yo momma. *flashbird*
the party was what i expected: loud bad music, a bunch of people standing around drinking, and another bunch of people sitting around drinking, and some playing drinking cardgames. since i don't drink, i just stood around sipping my pepsi and munching the veggies and amusing myself watching the drunk and drunker hooting and hollering.
noteworthy: a girl (the so-dressed Slut) for some reason seemed quite taken by me. she's a big girl, i mean, *phew* BIG. her costume was, well i dunno what her costume was, but 'skimpy' should fairly much described it. very little fabric to cover very lots of skin. so skimpy in fact, that her boobs could practically just about pop out.
but she's cute. a little bit of a dirtymouth, but cute nonetheless. and very sweet. and very friendly. and also, quite possibly, very drunk. coz she kept asking my name. i'd told her, and then 2 mins later she'd ask again. and again. and again. until i gave up and said, "can you remember 'Sha'? it's Sha, ok? Sha's my name, can you remember that, sweetie?"
and so after that, she kept yelling my name. SHA come hereeeee! SHA let's driiink! SHAAA i like your costume. SHAAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAA.
she's hilarious!
unfortunately i didn't bring a camera. so the only pic of ms sluttiness and me was taken with her camera, and since we didn't get to exchange numbers/emails before she left, i don't think i'll ever get to see the pic. or see her again.
how sad.
coz i liked the biatch. (heeeee!!)
(update: halloween pics are finally in. enjoy!)
i didn't bother to get a new costume this year, so i dressed up as what i dressed up as last Halloween: a vampire Count, complete with long sweeeping black cape, flowery burgundy vest, a huge white lapel pin embossed with a skeleton on it and also a black chainy-thingy neckpiece adorned with a shiny blue crystalrock and big black spiders at each side. and, spikey hairdo, and dark sunglasses. woo-hoo!
and so, let's see... there was a Superman there, a Smurf, a Nymph, a Slut (i think), an Edward Scissorhands, etc etc. when i got there, people looked at me and said, "ok so what are you...?" "guess," i said, trying my best to showcase my costume.
"you are... NEO! from the MATRIX!!" said one guy.
"what, nooo!"
"oh oh oh!" said another. "you are that chinese dude.. Seraph! from the MATRIX!!"
wtf, shut up with the matrix already, goddamn. after a few stupid guesses, which also included 'a butler' *sighhh* i finally said, "i'm a Count, see?"
and they would say, "ahhh...oh ok..." one person actually said, "doood, you're, like, the worst Count ever." oh yeah?, yo momma. *flashbird*
the party was what i expected: loud bad music, a bunch of people standing around drinking, and another bunch of people sitting around drinking, and some playing drinking cardgames. since i don't drink, i just stood around sipping my pepsi and munching the veggies and amusing myself watching the drunk and drunker hooting and hollering.
noteworthy: a girl (the so-dressed Slut) for some reason seemed quite taken by me. she's a big girl, i mean, *phew* BIG. her costume was, well i dunno what her costume was, but 'skimpy' should fairly much described it. very little fabric to cover very lots of skin. so skimpy in fact, that her boobs could practically just about pop out.
but she's cute. a little bit of a dirtymouth, but cute nonetheless. and very sweet. and very friendly. and also, quite possibly, very drunk. coz she kept asking my name. i'd told her, and then 2 mins later she'd ask again. and again. and again. until i gave up and said, "can you remember 'Sha'? it's Sha, ok? Sha's my name, can you remember that, sweetie?"
and so after that, she kept yelling my name. SHA come hereeeee! SHA let's driiink! SHAAA i like your costume. SHAAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAA.
she's hilarious!
unfortunately i didn't bring a camera. so the only pic of ms sluttiness and me was taken with her camera, and since we didn't get to exchange numbers/emails before she left, i don't think i'll ever get to see the pic. or see her again.
how sad.
coz i liked the biatch. (heeeee!!)
(update: halloween pics are finally in. enjoy!)
Sunday, November 04, 2007
u the guy?
here's a little something i found on a website:
(note: entry edited for clarity and/or random cheesiness)
I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.
I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.
I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.
I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you don't want to.
I'm the guy who'll randomly tickle you just to hear you giggle.
I'm the guy who doesn't kiss and tell.
I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.
I'm the guy who's excited all day because im looking forward to our date that night.
I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.
I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.
I'm the guy who'll say i love you first because I'm not afraid to say it.
I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.
I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.
I'm the guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name.
I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you.
I'm the guy who doesn't mess with other girls when he has you.
I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.
I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.
I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.
I AM THIS GUY.... one of many.... who always ends up losing her to the jerks who'll treat her like crap and are "too good of a friend" to date.
(note: entry edited for clarity and/or random cheesiness)
I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.
I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.
I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.
I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you don't want to.
I'm the guy who'll randomly tickle you just to hear you giggle.
I'm the guy who doesn't kiss and tell.
I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.
I'm the guy who's excited all day because im looking forward to our date that night.
I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.
I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.
I'm the guy who'll say i love you first because I'm not afraid to say it.
I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.
I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.
I'm the guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name.
I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you.
I'm the guy who doesn't mess with other girls when he has you.
I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.
I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.
I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.
I AM THIS GUY.... one of many.... who always ends up losing her to the jerks who'll treat her like crap and are "too good of a friend" to date.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Parents: How to Raise a Healthy Eater
How to Raise a Healthy Eater
By Lynn Schnurnberger, PARADE Magazine
By Lynn Schnurnberger, PARADE Magazine
We want our kids to eat right. Experts say they’ll do better in school and have more energy, brighter skin and shinier hair if they choose carrots over chips or lean meat over a greasy burger. Still, it’s not always easy. Arguments with recalcitrant tots who’d rather be playing with their mashed potatoes than eating them threaten to turn the dinner hour into a family food feud. But don’t give up. Here’s the skinny on how you can make eating healthy food more palatable.
Do As I Do:
“Young children are like ducks: They do what their parents do,” says Harvard endocrinologist Dr. David Ludwig, director of the Optimal Weight for Life program at Children’s Hospital Boston. If you eat junk food instead of fruits and vegetables, they will too. A University of Tennessee study reports that mothers usually refrain from offering babies foods they themselves dislike—so if you hate fava beans, chances are that your child has never tried them. Still, says Dr. Ludwig, it’s never too late to become a good role model.
Keep It Real:
Explain to children that real foods—like fruits, vegetables, nuts, berries, beans, fish and meat—come from nature. Dr. Ludwig recommends that obese children keep food diaries, recording all of the sugary drinks and factory-processed junk foods they eat in a day. They’ll be astonished at how many they consume. Kids may moan, but they’ll get hungry and learn to replace cheese puffs with low-fat cheese.
Give Babies a Taste for Variety:
Your baby is 4 to 6 months old, and the pediatrician says it’s time to augment her diet of breast milk or formula. You give her a first spoonful of pureed cereal—and she spits it out. “Persevere,” advises Penn State University’s Leann Birch, Ph.D., director of the Center for Childhood Obesity Research. Birch’s studies show that, though babies are born with a preference for sweets, daily exposure helps them accept initially rejected foods. There’s no reason why babies’ diets should be bland. As early as possible, children should begin discovering new tastes and textures. By the time they’re a year old, children in Latin American countries already are sampling moderately spicy foods.
Defuse a Potential Food Fight:
If kids are refusing to eat their veggies, “Ask them to take one ‘ No-thank-you bite,’” says registered dietitian Elizabeth Ward. Be firm, but don’t make a big deal about it. Children may need 15 or 20 tries over the course of different meals. Still, older children, like babies, usually develop a taste for once-disliked foods too. Pair new foods with old favorites, and serve small portions (kids always can ask for more). Don’t try to introduce a new food when your child is cranky or overtired. Kids under age 5 will do better experimenting at lunch.
Think Out of the Box:
Children need energy-boosting snacks. But beware of the calorie-laden after-school slice of pizza or the toddler treat of cookies and juice. Baylor College of Medicine behavioral nutritionist Tom Baranowski, Ph.D., says healthy snacks have to be accessible. A child is more likely to munch on carrots that are peeled, sliced and sitting next to a favorite dip on a reachable refrigerator shelf. A variety of dressings can make veggies more fun. Cut up oranges and apples, cube low-fat cheese, serve frozen grapes. Offer whole-wheat toast with a little peanut butter or yogurt.
Make Good Menu Choices:
Americans today spend 18 times what we did on fast food just 30 years ago; the average teen eats fast food twice a week. The Alliance for a Healthier Generation recommends that you teach kids to pass or go lightly on mayo, sour cream and sauces when eating out. Choose grilled, baked or broiled (anything but fried or breaded) chicken over a burger; a salad or baked potato instead of onion rings or fries. Nix shakes and soda in favor of water or low-fat milk. Avoid the words “double meat” or “supersized.”
“De-Program Your Child,” says Dr. David Ludwig, who believes that TV might be the most insidious factor in children’s weight gain. There’s no nutritional value in being a couch potato. TV-obsessed kids miss out on exercise and are exposed to more than 10,000 food commercials a year—most of them for high-calorie, low-quality snacks that they later nag their parents to buy. In a Harvard study, Dr. Ludwig found that for each hour of television they watched, children consumed an additional 167 calories. Take TV sets out of the kitchen and bedrooms, avoid watching during dinner and limit every family member’s viewing—parents included—to two hours a day. If you can, set up a treadmill or stationary bike in front of the TV. Then get moving to create fun alternatives to sitting on the couch. Set up a game of Twister or some dance video games in the den. Go biking, jump rope or toss a ball around in the yard.
Beware of Becoming the Food Police:
Banning a food completely can make forbidden fruits—or ice creams—all the more tantalizing. In a study of 5- to 7-year-old girls, those told that they couldn’t eat snacks were more likely to pig out on food than their peers. Elizabeth Ward suggests striking a balance. “If 90% of the time you eat from the food pyramid, 10% of your choices can be strictly for fun,” she says. The best idea is to go out for treats—that way you don’t have to argue over candy that a child knows is right there in the kitchen cabinet. And while you can make sure to stock only healthy foods in those kitchen cabinets, you cannot and should not try to control what your kids eat outside the house. Teenagers, especially, need freedom to make their own choices, and if you limit that freedom, they’ll rebel. The good news is that children who grow up in families that are serious about healthy eating often eat right as adults too. After all, you’ve given them good food for thought.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Amusing Ourselves to Death
Amusing Ourselves to Death
By Martha Brockenbrough
Die in your sleep? Bah -- amuse yourself to death, instead.
A lot of people hope to die in their sleep someday. How boring. And sort of depressing, too, like sleeping through the end of a movie. You never get to find out what happens.
Fortunately for you, I've been thinking about the alternative: death by amusement.
Don't get me wrong; I'm anti-death. But I've seen dying's inevitable, so I'm just trying to lay out a few options for us mortals who might not want to spend our last moments in a puddle of pillow drool.
I'm laying out three alternatives: death by gaming, death by eating and death by coffee. If I could include death by reading or watching movies, you'd know how I'd like to go.
Let's start with death by gaming
Just a few weeks ago, a Chinese video gamer keeled over after a three-day binge. The Beijing news reported this poor 30-year-old died from exhaustion. While it's hard to take everything reported by the state-run Chinese news service literally, two years earlier, a South Korean man, age 28, died after a 50-hour online gaming session.
Let's just assume that he, too, died of exhaustion. Reta Wright-Kinghorn, a Polysomnographic Research Coordinator at the University of Washington Sleep Medicine Center, explained what might have happened.
Our bodies need sleep, not necessarily for resting, like many of us assume. Rather, during slumber, our bodies regulate our metabolisms and restore the daily wear and tear on muscles and bones. It's even more important for our brains, which are busy when we sleep, even if experts aren't entirely sure what they're busy doing.
Let's just assume that he, too, died of exhaustion. Reta Wright-Kinghorn, a Polysomnographic Research Coordinator at the University of Washington Sleep Medicine Center, explained what might have happened.
Our bodies need sleep, not necessarily for resting, like many of us assume. Rather, during slumber, our bodies regulate our metabolisms and restore the daily wear and tear on muscles and bones. It's even more important for our brains, which are busy when we sleep, even if experts aren't entirely sure what they're busy doing.
When we don't get enough sleep, concentration and memory deteriorate. We are less able to regulate our emotions. We can also disrupt our circadian rhythms. These body clocks help regulate our endocrine, immune and metabolic systems. So in other words, not sleeping enough can make us cranky, sick and fat (in addition to dead, if we're really unlucky, like those gamers). It would be a rare thing to be fatally sleep-deprived. Most of us would fall asleep involuntarily, Wright-Kinghorn said. But, sleep deprivation like those gamers experienced could generate lots of the hormone cortisol, which could fatally ravage a weak heart.
There is one other sort of fatal sleep deprivation called fatal familial insomnia. It's extremely rare. And even though it sounds like the sort of thing you get when you have a baby and stay up all night, it's not. It leads to deterioration in the brain center that controls sleep -- the thalamus -- and causes progressive insomnia, body wasting, coma and death over a period of seven to 13 months. Granted, this would definitely not fall into the "amusing ourselves to death" category.
There is one other sort of fatal sleep deprivation called fatal familial insomnia. It's extremely rare. And even though it sounds like the sort of thing you get when you have a baby and stay up all night, it's not. It leads to deterioration in the brain center that controls sleep -- the thalamus -- and causes progressive insomnia, body wasting, coma and death over a period of seven to 13 months. Granted, this would definitely not fall into the "amusing ourselves to death" category.
But then there's death by eating
As the holidays approach, we could add fatal overeating to the list of exciting ways to die -- if the definition of exciting includes "gruesome" and "hideously painful."
I'm not talking about the slow death by overeating, which can lead to diabetes, heart disease and other serious afflictions. Rather, I'm talking about gut-busting, all-at-once overindulging.
It takes some doing -- and possibly help from the spice rack -- but it's technically possible for you to eat so much your stomach pops. The typical stomach can accommodate about four quarts of food. Hot-dog eating champions can no doubt stuff in more. Starving people, including anorexics, can't hold as much. To wit: The Institute of Legal Medicine, a German journal, reported in 2004 the death of a 19-year-old anorexia nervosa victim after a bulimic binge. And in April 1995, the medical journal the Lancet included the stomach-rupture death of a 23-year-old London model who put away 19 pounds of food (along with two glasses of milk).
It's not the rupture itself that's fatal. Rather, it's the infection that can arise when all the bacteria in your gut floods the rest of you.
One thing that can make a stomach more likely to burst is baking soda, which some people take to ease indigestion. The carbon dioxide emitted can put that extra pressure on the stomach. (It's way more than Pop Rocks and soda produce. No matter what you've heard from your friends in third grade, this won't kill you.)
Some years back, the New York Times reported the story of a former National Geographic editor who almost died on vacation after topping off a feast with a teaspoon of baking soda and a bit of water. His stomach ruptured, and he needed six operations to fix it.
I'm not talking about the slow death by overeating, which can lead to diabetes, heart disease and other serious afflictions. Rather, I'm talking about gut-busting, all-at-once overindulging.
It takes some doing -- and possibly help from the spice rack -- but it's technically possible for you to eat so much your stomach pops. The typical stomach can accommodate about four quarts of food. Hot-dog eating champions can no doubt stuff in more. Starving people, including anorexics, can't hold as much. To wit: The Institute of Legal Medicine, a German journal, reported in 2004 the death of a 19-year-old anorexia nervosa victim after a bulimic binge. And in April 1995, the medical journal the Lancet included the stomach-rupture death of a 23-year-old London model who put away 19 pounds of food (along with two glasses of milk).
It's not the rupture itself that's fatal. Rather, it's the infection that can arise when all the bacteria in your gut floods the rest of you.
One thing that can make a stomach more likely to burst is baking soda, which some people take to ease indigestion. The carbon dioxide emitted can put that extra pressure on the stomach. (It's way more than Pop Rocks and soda produce. No matter what you've heard from your friends in third grade, this won't kill you.)
Some years back, the New York Times reported the story of a former National Geographic editor who almost died on vacation after topping off a feast with a teaspoon of baking soda and a bit of water. His stomach ruptured, and he needed six operations to fix it.
Death by java
While the idea of exploding stomachs does make dying in my sleep sound more appealing all the time, such a thing is not likely to happen when you have a coffee habit like I do. In my defense, it's been proven to help with memory and routine chores, the sort any mom faces getting kids out the door to school.I'd have to work awfully hard to die by my favorite indulgence, though. Apparently, you have to drink between 80 and 100 cups at once, or inject a lethal dose -- more than 10 grams -- directly into your bloodstream. For now, I'll stick with a double shot. In the morning. So I can fall asleep at night after playing those video games.
what it feels like... (amnesia)
What It Feels Like … to Have Amnesia
By Mark Thistel, 35, co-owner of a car and van service, as told to Mike Sager
from esquire.com
By Mark Thistel, 35, co-owner of a car and van service, as told to Mike Sager
from esquire.com
Amnesia is not like what you see in movies. You remember 80 percent of what you need. It's the other 20 percent that makes you feel helpless.
It happened two years ago on a family skiing vacation in Utah. I had decided to learn snowboarding, and I was going downhill way too fast. My feet went out from under me; I broke the fall with the back of my head. I remember thinking, Wow! That's the hardest shot my head has ever taken! And then, just like the movies, a black curtain descended.
The next thing I knew, a bunch of people were standing around me. My stuff was all over the slope. My brother-in-law snapped a picture. I don't remember getting back on my snowboard, but I did. I snowboarded another couple hundred yards to a midslope lodge where we were all going for lunch. I was sitting at a long table. Everyone in the family was talking and drinking something warm. I couldn't for the life of me remember where I was. I knew I was on a ski slope. I knew who these people were. I knew who I was. And I knew that I should know where I was. But I didn't. I had no idea. My head ached a little. I began to get scared. I tried to marshal my inner resources. I thought to myself, I can figure this out.
I looked out the windows. There were huge mountains, the kind you never see in the eastern United States, so I figured I had to be in the West. So I said to myself, "Okay, what states are in the West?" And I'm naming all the states to myself — Vermont, Pennsylvania, California — but I couldn't remember which states were the western ones.
I thought, Okay, that's okay. So I can't remember where I am. Let's try something easier — let's try to remember what time of year it is. And I knew it had to be winter; there was snow. I could name the months in order — January, February, et cetera — but I couldn't remember which ones were the winter months.
I began to panic. Even though I was thinking in complete sentences, I couldn't talk. I wanted to say that something was wrong, but I couldn't form the words. Finally I said, "I don't feel good." I thought maybe this wasn't going to go away, that it was very serious. I wanted to cry.
It became clear to everyone now that I needed to get down the mountain. When they handed me my snowboard, I realized I'd forgotten something else. I couldn't remember how to snowboard. But I had to get down the hill. I fell and I fell and I fell. All the way down the mountain.
At some point after that, it all came back to me. I suddenly recovered my memory. The whole thing lasted only about ninety minutes, but it was the scariest ninety minutes of my life. I spent the rest of the vacation in bed.
Previous Posts
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