nasha & the wait

it just occcured to me today how ms she's-all-that reminds me of somebody.

in the (never seems to be finished) novel i'm writing, there's a character - a malaysian girl studying in the US - who has a principal influence in the life of eqmar, the main character. i call the girl 'nasha,' coz i love that name. (adila and amira are my other two fav names.) and since she's a student, i had to give her a major, so i chose economics, the same course of study as eqmar. nasha's quiet, smart, sweet, kindhearted, and on and on.

nasha seems so much like missy all-that, completely nasha-personified, exactly what i imagined nasha to be. in the same studies too. no wonder when i was chatting with her, something keeps nudging about how she's like somebody i know (albeit, a character in a story... but hey, when you're writing a novel, you live and breathe the life of these people, and it's as if you know them better than they know their own selves).



in other news, still no word from ms she's-all-that.

i called to say hi, but she was indisposed. no return call.
i emailed a hello, yet still no reply.

i'm holding out on fragile hope here.

peace of the heart

heard from ms pujaan hati last night.

i haven't heard from her for a long time, not since the blog thing. i hadn't a clue if she'd receive my call, or if she'd be mad hearing from me again.

her city has been covered by a huge snowstorm. it was bad out there, and it was all over the news. i was very concerned, and i couldn't stop myself from dialing her number, if only to hear that she's ok.

i rang her cellphone, but there was no answer. my heart sank, but soon my phone chirped happily and i saw her number. with every ounce of humility, i tentatively answered the call.

she asked how i was doing, and i said i'm ok. i asked her how she's doing, in the middle of the snow barrage and all, and she said she's ok.

we had a short, and polite, conversation. we caught on each other's news, and that was that.

i went to bed with finally a little of peace in my heart.


kendati selautan
segunung permata
di kanan dan kiri
selagi jantungku berdegup
hingga tiba saat terhenti
dialah di hati...

she's all that

today i met a wonderfully sweet and lovely young lady. and kind, and gentle, and soft-spoken, and polite, and cute, and more and more.

yep, ms she's-all-that, she is.

i saw her at a raya gathering this evening. she looked elegant in her simple green baju kurung. sweet-faced, always generous with her smile, with a long beautiful hair caressing her small shoulders. she speaks her mind, yet chose her words intently.

needless to say, i am completely smittened. : )

i'm not good with girls, that's no secret already. usually, i'll avoid them altogether. it's hard for me to strike a conversation with a girl without ending up like an idiot.

but something pulled me to be brave and wither the consequences, and so when i saw my chance, i sat across from her at the dining table, and said my hello.

she said hello back, smiled, and started chatting with me - which was amazing to me coz usually by five seconds a girl would've walk away.

turned out, she was my (many many years) junior in ATU program. at indiana university, bloomington, no less. i mentioned foster-shea, my dormitory when i was there, and - wouldn't you know it - that was her dormitory, too. she was excited that we shared the same experience, and we got to talk a lot.

i think i am having a major crush.

: )

peon

i grew restless, with nothing to look forward to this weekend, and the crappy things going on in my life, so i decided to go to a friend's place yesterday.

while there, i finally get to watch pontianak harum sundal malam, and i was very very disappointed. the editing was ok, but the acting was shamefully over-the-top. kes belakon terlebey-lebey la nih. only maya karin impressed me. very good acting, especially the maria part, and she's chomey too.

i got nothing else to do the rest of the day, and i ended up sleeping over at my friend's.

turned out he has a little van problem, and he had to deliver some food his wife prepared for a student seminar at the msd's office. so i offered to drive him there, since i was already driving a van that i borrowed from another friend. (kumari, if you recall, is still unavailable.)

this morning we went to msd's office, and i met some of the student participants. they're having a leadership seminar this weekend, similar to the one i attended in DC when i was a president myself.

what got to me, when meeting these student leaders, was how young they were, how green at the horns. and how so old i felt in the midst of them all.

just shows how i no longer belong in their world of student leadership, no matter how much experience i had. they don't, and won't, have half as much as insider knowledge that i had in campus politics, and yet i can't offer them any advice coz to them i'm a nobody. they even eyed me dismissively like i'm some bloody peon nobody.

i could do nothing else but stand back and keep quiet, and that just kills me.

as expected, the year of crap

what did i tell ya...

didn't i already say this year will be bad?

kumari got me in trouble today. i was driving, and all the sudden the brake came completely loose. i was frantically stepping on the brake, and i had to press real hard before the car finally stopped. at first i thought maybe the brake fluid was out, so i replaced it, and then i saw what happened: the brakeline bursted wide and it was leaking and squirting brake liquid everytime i stepped on the brake.

so i drove carefully to the brakeshop across the street from my apartment, and i was told they can't repair it. actually, i was told to throw away the car they won't repair coz it's old. i'm not kidding, they actually said that, and it took all my civility not to throw a punch at their smirking faces.

so i drove back, trying to drive as careful as i could with a foul braking system, but first i had to turn the block to get home. and there was a stop sign that i completely missed because i was struggling to stop the car, and lo and behold, a police officer was there.

the officer took my ID, went to the squad car to check it, came back to me and asked me pointedly why was i driving with a suspended license.

i said, what???

she said, yeah, it's suspended, and you have to come with me.

now kumari's getting towed and impounded, and i was riding at the back of a police car.

at the station i asked why was i informed of the suspended license, and the officer said that's not her problem. i looked at the tickets and said, wait, this isn't my address, this is my old address, why do you have my old address on your record??

she said, you moved and didn't informed us of a forwarding address.

i said, YES I DID!!! and i showed her my ID with the new address, changed circa september. apparently, some months ago, when i got a speeding ticket, it was sent to my old address instead, and absence any reply my license got suspended.

so now i had to go to court, i was released only on police recognition, and a bond of $2000 if i failed to appear at the court.

holy moly crappy crappy crap!!

resolution II

every friday, the city of chicago publishes a booklet highlighting the many events going on in the city for the upcoming week. there usually listed are schedules of exhibitions, art shows, theater performances, symphony orchestras, movies, i-max line-up, the going-ons at navy pier and planetarium and the contemporary art museum and the musem of science and industry and etc etc.

and every friday i'll pick up the booklet, perusing them intently, promising myself that i'll someday go to this show or that performance or this exhibition or that museum.

i missed going to these things. i used to attend the shows, back when i was at western michigan, coz there's always aida and her friends, and later azlin and her friends, to keep me company.

and then, i was back to being alone. i felt like not going anymore, even though i truly missed it, coz it's like going to the moon and back and nobody's around to share the fun with. i'd often come out from the shows, feeling content and fulfilled, and then got saddened when i saw that there's no one by my side joining my happiness. i'd end up being back home utterly discouraged.

*sigh*

no more.


i finally figured out my resolution for this year. i will, at least once, go see an art exhibition, watch a theater show, and sit and enjoy a symphony orchestra performance. i'd like to go to a movie more often. and dine out sometimes.

i will do this, and more, even if i'll be going there alone.

i chose this life, this being alone. i've chosen this way, this being lonely.
i've long accepted my fate, and it's time to move on.

a day late, but happy new year syamil.

on new year, resolution &etc

...is it 2005 already??

*sigh*

i feel as if it was but some brief time ago when i was a child, counting the upcoming years on my outstretched little fingers, wondering with amazement the eternity it'd take for me to see year 2000.

now it's '05 already, and i'm wishing hard that time could go back.

and wishing too that i could whisper to the ears of that child, telling him that his life would be hard and lonely and painful.

(....)


now, to the business of resolutions...

same time last year, my only resolution was to write more. i have nobody who's willing to listen to me nag about my day, and writing's always my way out, of getting me to listen to myself.

and so i wanted to write a blog.

took me six months till i finally worked up the courage to start this blog, worrying about how people will take what i had to say, wincing at the thought of strangers listening to my inner voices, but wanting so desperately to let go of the many demons inside my already frail mind.

i was aware of the downside of writing things people didn't want to hear. i prayed so hard that they would understand.

but, alas, what i feared the most, despite my most fervent hope, finally happened. this blog now has claimed a casualty: - someone who is very very dear to me, someone for whom in my heart i have all the love, has abandoned me. she will not call, nor will she accept calls from me. no more late-night conversations, no more emails, no more eagerly awaiting to hear from her, no more listening to a voice which calmed my days...

and she blames me.

damn it, i can never NEVER ever do anything right.

right now, i don't know about wanting to write anymore. losing her already shattered my courage. life seems so empty, if it isn't already.

this year will be bad, and it will be cruel, i can feel it...