offer

this morning, i was offered a prostitute.

the warehouse, where i'd go to pick up the USAToday papers, sits in an area where many many hookers surreptitiously roaming its corners. a few weeks ago i saw a big black woman standing in her corner, in the dead of winter, flashing her huge boobs to passing drivers, trying to entice a customer.

i swear, i didn't stop for her. not my taste, i suppose.
: )

and there are a lot of bars around in the area, too, so it's a common occurance to see cops patrolling the place. one time, we at the warehouse saw a lot of police officers and a buncha squad cars surrounding a white luxurious hummer-limo, and we found out that the cops were raiding the prostitutes and pimps on the job.

so, anyway, it's just something that's there, and i don't think much about it.

but this morning, i was at the gas station nearby when a guy whispered to me if i wanted to buy some weed. i shook my head, and said no. he said, c'monnn man it's good weed i tell ya. i was at this moment still transacting business with the cashier, and was already late for the USAToday delivery anyway, so i waved him off dismissively and turned down the offer.

then he quietly whispered, "hey you want some girls? coz i have lots!"

i had to laugh at the proposition, but i played along. i said, really? how much?

he pulled me aside so that nobody else could hear us, and said, "well, that depends on how many you want," and added, " and what you want them to do...."

hmmmmmmmm, tempting! hikhik.

but i smiled, and politely said no.

i drove off, and then got to thinking: ooo ni musti sebab kita drive puteri yang lawa tu, baru la ada orang nak offer. masa drive kumari dulu suma owang pandang lekeh yeeee??

and i was also thinking about how in my life here in the US, after a good chunk of fifteen years almost, and that i have never ever been to a stripclub, or barhopping, or soliciting the services of hookers, or trying drugs, or smoking weed, or whatever else. not a drip of alcohol ever enters my system. never ate non-halal food too. all these years.

so it begs the question: what the hell is wrong with me???

i have plenty of opportunity to do these stuff, you know. it's not like anybody would find out. God? - sure He will. but nobody else will ever discover my little playful adventures, should i consent myself to do them. i could get laid, i could get high, i could feast my senses with a full naked lapdance, i could drink all the alcohol to my belly's content - i mean, heck, i live with americans and there are beers and wine in my fridge - but i never tried any of these, never consented myself to try any of them.

that's the thing, though. i never allowed myself the chance to even think of trying to be notty. what's up with dat??

i think... hmm, i think it's because, even after all these years away from her, i can still hear ain's voice saying, "iraz... don't."

so i don't.

odd, hm?

puteri

i bought a car yesterday. yay!!!

it's a '91 acura legend 4-door sedan, with charcoal black exterior color and black interior, power everything.

the car is auto, though. i'd rather have a 5-speed car, but this one is too lovely that i couldn't pass up the offer. i am in love with this car soooo much, that i had to summon all my strength not to hug the seller, or to just stoop at the car and french-kiss it repeatedly.

i hereby name this acura legend 'Puteri,' the puteri lagenda. nama penuh dia will be Gusti Putri Raden Ajeng Retno Dumilah.

sang puteri idaman kalbu
buah hati
asmaradanaaaa
intan payung
gunungggg

*abis dah...*

hehehehehehe.

nak bagi nama 'siti' nanti ramai la pulak yang termual-mual menyampah. *grinssss*

i loooooove my puteri!!


p/s: thank you, syilaaaaaaa

siti lagu kanada

i recently downloaded siti's prasasti seni album (ok ok kita janji aa cik siti kita akan beli nyer cd awak just saje nak test power jek jgn saman aaa...) and i've been listening a lot to the album's songs nowadays.

best laaaaa memang power power power tangkap tabik kat siti best album yet!!

*tabik hormatttt*

there's a song called 'pejam matamu,' a good song with mainly acoustical gitar, haunting cello works, and the strength of siti's voice carrying the floating melodies. tapi kan, intro lagu tu, dengan gitar and some piano, sounds sooooooo much like my song 'kehadiranmu' that i wrote for azlin wayyy back in '97. intro tu tak lama la, just a few seconds, maybe 8 bars, but i had to listen a few times to detect the little bitty musical note differences between the two songs. mine starts with Amajor-D (siti's with Amaj-D7) and continues into the same chords when the lyric kicks in (siti's song changes into Aminor7-Amaj). subtle differences, but the intro sounds the same, except the way the end-melodies are plucked.

eiiyaaa... one of these days i'll have to copyright ALL my songs. lagu kehadiranmu tu kita tulis with the voice of amy mastura (another of my fav voices), so maybe i should send it to mrs amy and hopefully she'll record it if only just for me. that'd be niceeee. yuppp : )

also, if you listen closely to the 'pejam matamu' song, the part when siti sings "Gapailah setiap citamu Dan kenal isi kulitmu Kan ada hidup yang baru..." you'll hear siti pronounces the "Kan ada" part so much like "canada..." alamak aii siti... hikhikhik. when i was listening to the song, i went still for a moment, and thought, "did she just say Canada??"

it's a good song, though, and catchy too, but now everytime i listen the song, i had to giggle at the Canada part.

hihi!



p/s: i just found out that siti actually played the guitar part during the Bintang Akademi Fantasia show when she sang this 'pejam matamu' song. and, oh, she wrote the lyrics too. all i can say is, omg i'm now even more in love with siti('s talent). weeeeeeeeeeee!! : )

mom

i just found out today that my mother has been reading this blog.

*yikes!*

i must say this again: wowww wahaaahahowww. my mom has gone from confusing the right-click with left-click, to now - in the words of my sister - "dah pandai menggoogle skarang weii."

hihi, i am truly impressed.

so, with that in mind, i am writing this little story in dedication to her, for i know her eyes will land on these words.

here it goes:

back in 1998, about a month before the KL Commonwealth Games, my mom went to donate blood at her school. it's just something that she always does, this donating blood thing. then she got word that the doctor wanted to see her. so she went, and the doctor delivered a terrible news.

it seemed that, after examining her bloodwork, the doctor found indications of cancer. she was ordered for a check-up, and it was confirmed: there was a benign growth, a cyst i believed was what it's called, at her ovary, and it was caught by sheer dumb luck apparently, at a very very early stage, by the blood donation examination. my mom was told that the growth has to be removed IMMEDIATELY, and a surgery had been scheduled in two days.

at this point, i'd imagine my mom to be stunned by the news.

but, my mom being my mom, the eternal sport nut, with misguided priorities, and who had already made eager plans to go see the Games, then said to her doctor: "Buat surgery lepas sukan Commonwealth tak boleh ke..."

aiseyman... mom???!!

well, surgery is surgery, and the Games would have to wait. so, reluctantly, she acquiesced.

i was in malaysia at the time, having had to go back because of the currency crisis. i was working as a computer technician back then, and i remembered spending the day at work worrying insanely about my mom who was under the knife that afternoon.

i left work early when my dad came to pick me up, and we drove to the hospital. my mom's surgery would be over by then, and in my heart i was praying so hard that it went well. we arrived at the hospital, and were met by several family members who somehow had gotten wind of the surgery news. some of my aunts and uncles were there, my (late) grandmother too, along with some other distant relatives.

and i noticed the grim look on all of their faces. something was not right.

then my dad told me. the surgery itself went well, the growth was successfully removed, but my mom's heartrate went awry after the surgery and her condition destabilized quickly. she was put in the intensive care unit, under very watchful eyes, and she hasn't regain consciousness.

i walked into the ICU, and saw my mom lying in bed, looking so fragile that it broke my heart. in the room, the constant beep on the heart monitor softly hung on the air. my grandmother was sitting by mom's bedside, her (grandmom's) hand clutching a yasin, eyeing my mom intently, reciting silently the holy words. my maklong was standing alongside grandmom, who both saw me and smiled a quiet smile.

i left the room and joined my dad, who was talking to the people outside. i just listened to the stories being told about my mom, all wonderful ones, and in my mind i was thinking why couldn't you all tell my mom all these when she's actually NOT in a coma??

one of the stories was how my mom loved cats. one person remarked that he thinks in heaven there will be a lot of cats waiting for my mom to keep her happy.

hmm.

i walked back into the ICU room, and took a seat by my mother's bedside. i looked at the heart monitor and saw that her heartrate was stable, albeit low. and then i held her limp fingers, and quietly called for her. "mak...?" i whispered, but there was no response. i sat back, held her hand, and watched her for the longest time.

a day later she stabilized enough to be wheeled out of the ICU, and she spent a week or two later in her hospital room recovering amazingly quickly. it was happy times there, despite her being at the hospital. i remembered a LOT of visitors, i remembered my mom happy being pampered like never before, i remembered my dad cracking up silly jokes, and people laughing hysterically, and my mom was clutching her belly bending in pain trying so hard not to laugh.

i just want her to know she is loved, by many folks, in many ways, even if nobody ever say it outloud to her.

remember that, mom.

pic

saw a pic of ms all-that today. it was posted online.

the memory of how my heart melted when i was chatting with her, came flooding back to me. haiyaaa.

dare i write a poem? dare i write a song??

i'll tell ya, this crush better be temporary...

valentine

*gasp!*

ms pujaan hati called today to wish a valentine's day. it was less than a minute phonecall, but it just made my day.

goodness me, i missed her so much...

a song keeps whispering in my ear these days, appropriately in the spirit of valentine's, that got me singing and humming:

Sekuntum mawar merah
Sebuah puisi
Untuk gadis pilihan
oh di bulan Februari...

Terkenang kembali
Lagu cinta lama
Kisah mawar merah berduri
Menusuk di hati
Haruskah ku ulangi...

(the Hattan version)

hmm.
Happy valentine's day!

apology

i snapped at somebody the other day.

and now i regretted it.

i was asked *again* if i'm ever going home. then i got an earful of 'things aren't really THAT bad' and 'it's a test' and 'should really be thankful to God' and 'sendiri mau ingat la brother.'

sheeeshhhh...

of many people, i think i know more about how tough life is and how horrible it can get. i've fought many hardships, wept, lost, and died many times over, and i think i should be last person to be lectured on life.

i felt like a kid being chastised, and in the middle of my life being heartbreakingly sucky right now, i just lost my temper.

*sigh*

biarpun terlalu tersinggung - terlajak perahu boleh diundur...

...to whom this truly concerns, i am sooooo sorry. i am very very very sorry.

will you accept my apology?

the little light

of all the things that has gone dark and awry in my life, a little light shone thru today when ms she's-all-that finally replied my email.

it was short, a hi and sorrylatereplycozi'msomewhatprecoccupied, but at least she emailed back.

that's good news, right..? anybody?

cry

just when i thought life couldn't have possibly sunk any lower, it got even more horrific.

my life has turned so bad now, i really feel like crying...

my housemate, the pinoy, the cabinet door ghost (remember him?), quietly moved out of the apartment the other week. he informed us on sunday of his decision, and by friday he's gone. didn't even help us find somebody to replace him.

i'm very upset. i am very very pissed. i am even more pissed that the landlord already knew about this (the pinoy told him first) and my landlord didn't tell me. and i am incensed that my landlord let him moved out and abandoned us scott-free like that.

my other housemate's freaking out now. he already said he can't possibly pay more rent than he's paying now, so looks like - as always -i am going to have to be the good and responsible adult, and cover the rent and bills.

this housemate of mine is so freaked out about the heating bills that he practically turned off the heater in the apartment. i woke up two days ago shivering in utter frigidness - it's snowing outside, for god's sake! - and everytime i turned the heater up, he turned it back down. right now, i'm wretched with fever, and blinding headache pain. i've lost my appetite, and haven't eaten for days. i am i horrible horrible condition.

on top of that, kumari is lost for good. she's beyond repair now, being impounded even, and with all the costs of repair and tow bills and storage fees, i might as well buy another car.

only that i can't afford to, not without losing the apartment, and end up living under a bridge.

i've been borrowing my friend's car, and turned out his car has a $3000 outstanding traffic tickets unbeknownst to me, and the car got booted, and now my so-called friend demanded that i pay every single cent, like it's my fault, and he's taking no responsibility not a friggin' whit. he has seven hundred dollars of my money from a job i helped him three months back, and he refused to give them to me.

my god, i am in absolute nightmare right now.

i may have to quit my job, if this car situation keeps getting worse, and try get a job that doesn't involve driving, even if the pay's less. i'm reaching deep into my savings now, and any day now my account's going to be completely dry.

and these, among many, are some of the hell going on in my stupid stupid life.

*desperation*

i'm trying so hard not to cry...

it's aliveee

finally, after weeks and weeks, my computer is back online again.

my xp pro went kaput on me, the tech people were of absolute no help, their only advice was to reinstall the whole freakin' thing. heh, reinstall?? THAT's your help?? you get paid all that money in India out of offshoring, and the only help you got was to reinstall??

i had no choice, but to reinstall using my friend's xp home. wasn't a full install, just a repair procedure from the cd. it went fine, till i realized now my xp was now xp home edition, the files were changed, and i was going to need the product key to reactivate AND I DON'T HAVE THE BLOODY CD GODDAMMIT!

with all the things going wrong in life, it had to be the computer too. so now i can't write, not unless i get me the flippin' xp cd.

finally, after weeks of negotiating my already strained budget, i bought one, and it came in yesterday. i had to buy the wireless router too coz my turkish ex-housemate took away his, and the router came in today. after a reformat, and a clean-install, the computer is alive again. it's aliveeeee, it's aliveeeeeeee. *evil laughter*

so, i'm back on the blog again, people. i apologize to those who have been waiting for entry updates. (really, syamil, really?? coz i think you're the only one reading this...) i am currently editing the lotsa stuff i had written all thru the hiatus (i wrote them thru safe-mode on this computer, but couldn't publish them) and i'll be posting the up as soon as possible. or, as soon as i'm up for it, really.

i kinda hope blogspot already worked out the archiving problem, coz i have lotsa entries in there from my two months absence. it'd be a shame to write all these and having no way to see them...

waiting waiting waiting...

still yet still no word for missy all-that.

called, and she won't answer.
left a msg, and no return call.
emailed, and no reply.




...is she mad at me? is she avoiding me? thinks so lowly of me?
has she grown tired of me already?

am i really THAT awful with girls..?



this is not good for my confidence...

*sighhhh*